The Vagina Chronicles: Taste Testing

Liz’s Vagina:

I’m offended. I can’t believe she would betray me like this. She acts like this is all my fault or something. You guys, I’m sorry, I’m just really upset right now, and need some time to think. I just don’t understand how someone could do that to their vagina, their best friend, essentially. Bitch I have the power to push out humans. The fuck. Okay. Calming down now. Here’s what happened:
We recently started seeing a new guy. He’s no one special, just someone Liz has tricked herself into liking because deep down, despite her good looks, she’s deathly afraid of being alone and having nothing to show for her life besides her ceramic bunny collection and the twelve cats that never went hungry because they ate her 400lb body after she died from a heart attack while reaching for more chicken in the KFC bucket. His name is Troy. Now I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: Troy kind of sounds like a douchebag name. It does, and it is. Though Liz and I are…conjoined at the cervix, we are two totally different beings. I’m more relaxed and not as uptight, whereas she has to be prim and proper all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with keeping me properly groomed, but I don’t particularly like when hair gets ripped out of me. Does anybody? No, Liz.
I’ll give credit where credit is due, Troy is really good at going down on me. Like, probably one of the best we’ve ever had. His dick game is also so strong, that I can get past the fact that he tears up after he cums, and feels the need to shower right after. Weird. Whatever.

So, it was a particularly blah Monday evening. We had just gotten done with dinner, when Troy and Liz started making out. After a couple glasses of wine, it turns out that Troy is extra frisky. Liz was conveniently wearing a dress when he started making his way down to me with his hand. I was super wet because, hello. So he starts fingering me, and it feels really good. He then takes his fingers out of me, puts them up to Liz, and says, “Taste yourself for me, baby.” He said it in a really attractive way, it wasn’t tacky at all either, so I’ll give him that. To my astonishment, however, Liz replies, “Sorry, I don’t do that.”
Um. First of all, no guy has ever wanted her to taste me before, so like, it was never an issue, you know? But. . .the fact that my wetness is presented before her on his index and middle finger, and she won’t taste me. . .? How fucking rude. I could tell that both Troy and me were slightly turned off. So, he did what every guy would do: he said, “Not even for me?”
Troy, I’m just as disappointed and hurt as you are. After he realized that she wasn’t going to do it, he put them in his own mouth and said, “You taste so fucking good.”
Aw, thanks Troy. Maybe you’re not so bad after all.
Then he proceeded to pound the fuck out of me. Literally. I was so sore.

But back to the real issue here…how could she not trust me to taste okay? Like, she takes care of me and I’m a better vagina for it, but damn. I just…can’t even look at her right now. I’m kind of embarrassed, to be completely honest. I’m embarrassed. It’s embarrassing. What are we, 16? No, bitch. You know, I partly blame myself; I should have seen the signs. Every time a guy has eaten me, she won’t kiss him. She makes them wipe their mouth and pop an Altoid. Liz’s best friend Morgan’s vagina is lucky. Morgan will do absolutely anything a guy says because she’s even more pathetic than Liz, so she tastes her vagina. I mean I know I should feel lucky that at least I’m well taken care of, but I just don’t know how I’m gonna get past this. Can we come back from this? If bitch keeps acting like a prude, she is gonna die at 37 with her 12 cats and cold bucket of KFC.


Eating Ass

Yes, the time has come for me to touch on this topic due to the increasing amount of popularity I’ve seen from a guy’s perspective. So guys, let me ask you this: you like eating ass, right? Cool. But do you like it done to you?
If you just thought to yourself oh my god that’s fucking disgusting, of course not that shit’s gay, then get the fuck off my blog. Because you’re ignorant. Do you not realize that if that is done to you, you have the ability to have an even more intense orgasm? Here’s my story:
I was about to start the story off with me being in high school, but I wasn’t even in high school, I was already 18-19 at the time. Anyway, one of my best friends had told me that her boyfriend at the time had eaten her ass. I thought oh my god that’s crazy, poor him. And then she told me she did it to him and I thought, oh my god that’s crazy, is he gay?

I know, I know: 18-19 year-old Colleen was dumb and inexperienced and ignorant as fuck. Plus, at least people around our age that I knew never really talked about that being a thing, and if it was a thing in someone’s relationship, they kept it behind closed doors because ‘it’s embarrassing’. I was with my ex boyfriend at the time, and I remember telling him this. His reaction was surprised and a little disgusted (I should’ve known then) at the fact that either one would do that. Now, I can’t remember if this was before or after we had anal sex for the first time. I would imagine before. But either way, he was always super afraid of letting me near his ass, even if it was just as a joke. Now, clearly I’ve had more experience in the 2 1/2 years that I’ve been single, but I’m not even sure if I gave his balls much attention. Which is crazy to me. But more on that later.

So, you guys know the story of him hating period sex, right? But I can’t talk shit because I’m not the biggest fan of it either, at least no one has been able to change my mind. And that’s when anal became apart of our relationship. It wasn’t until maybe year 2 when I was on my period, and he was really horny and wanted to do anal, but also wanted to eat my ass. At this point, the only reason why I was in opposition to it was because I was insecure as fuck. And like, even though I showered that day, what if it tasted awful? But he did it, he seemed into it, so cool. At that point I wanted to do it back to him, but that was shut down. There might have been a time where he let me try it, but maybe I’m making that up.

Fast forward a bunch: everyone knows how I feel about blowjobs. Love ’em. Whatever.

I started actually paying attention to balls in that sense probably only about 15 months ago. It was then when I would actually lick them and suck them and put them in my mouth. And actually it wasn’t until I started seeing Tony that I would go even further down while giving a blowjob. It wasn’t always like, full on, but almost. If that makes sense. And I’d always get the sounds. Girls, you know the sounds. The sounds a guy makes when you’re going down on him – it’s great.

Okay, skipping ahead to Dale. Dale. A fucking fuckboy if there ever was one. For a hot second, this is how pathetic I was lol, I was like oh my god this guy has to be my soulmate. He was fucking weird and wasn’t turned off by my irrationality and weirdness. But he was an ‘actor’, and at the time I was like, “yeah, this is so good!” It was mediocre. His acting, I mean. But hey, he acted like he wanted to be my boyfriend the whole time, and then he did and said what he did. So. It’s all good though, he gave me good material…in more ways than one. And only the people that I’m close to know what that other source of material is. Anyway. I won’t deny that I like…really fucking liked him and was super into him. And sex with him was like really fucking good. But that could also be because he made it a point to play ‘Tear You Apart’ by She Wants Revenge, because I told him I always wanted to have sex to that song. It’s my favorite song. It really puts me in the mood. Anyway. He LOVED my blowjobs. And I’m not even trying to be conceited. Like, even though he’s an actor, and guys have claimed that they’ve faked orgasms before, the shit that went down when I was going down, you can’t fake or act. Dale wasn’t the first guy that I’ve had a conversation with about their love for anal. And everything ass related. I know he liked anal because of the tightness, of course. And I feel like he liked eating ass more than eating a vagina. And he liked it done to him. Now, it’s very easy to keep going further down when giving someone head. You hear the noises, sounds, responses and it’s all very sexy. You keep inching further down and before you know it, you’re licking his asshole. And that’s okay. And if you’re in that area, their dick is wet and you’re stoking it while going back and forth between his ass and his balls, I would imagine it’s great. Clearly I’m not a guy. But the sounds have always been positive. Needless to say, Dale was super into that. Both ways. I’ve never pegged a guy, or stuck my finger in his ass, that’s different, right? One of my friends does it with her boyfriend. They’re into that. I don’t think I could ever fuck a guy with a dildo, but I respect their relationship and their ability to go beyond being sexually adventurous.

So, I had a sexual encounter with this guy who was my friend back in October. Probs a mistake but whatever. So like, I’m sure to some guys it’s bad, and to others it’s good, but when I give someone a blowjob, it’s always really fucking wet. Like I make that shit wet. Not really on purpose, it’s just what happens after all the gagging, as I’m sure most girls can relate to. I know I probably gave his balls attention, but I didn’t get the sense that he’d be into like, me being all up in his gooch and or ass. I mean, he enjoyed the blowjob, and it had been 2 years since I’ve given him one, but I think all the saliva from his balls being in my mouth went down his ass and that, didn’t really freak him out per say, but after I came out of the bathroom, I saw him in the kitchen wiping with a paper towel from the base of his balls, all the way up to his ass crack. This really happened, guys. Totes norms. I laughed and I was like I wish I had this on snapchat right now. I asked him, though, if he’d ever let a girl give him a rimjob and he was like fuck no. And then I asked if he’d do it to a girl, and he said he’d have to think about it. Understandable, I suppose.
As for me, do I like getting my ass eaten? I mean, sure, why not, I feel about it how I feel about someone going down on me in general: it’s whatever. It’s kind of funny, maybe more so sad, but I’ll give a guy a blowjob because I don’t really care and I’m confident about myself in that sense. But when it comes to them wanting to eat me out, I feel like that’s only something I could do with someone I’m comfortable with. Like, yeah I’ve tasted myself before, I feel like every girl should, but I’m still insecure about my vagina.
All in all, I’m gonna give blowjobs how I give them. You never know if a guy is gonna freak the fuck out if you try and lick his ass. But that’s just a risk we should be willing to take. 

To The People Who Care & Love Me: Please Read

To my family and all of my friends, 2016 has been one of the worst years of my life since 2008-2009. I don’t want any sympathy, that’s not why I’m writing this. A lot of things have happened in 2016: I found out some interesting news a couple weeks in that would change my perception on not only myself, but what I knew for the past 4 years; I’ve jeopardized friendships for reasons that I am in no way proud of, even to this day; My grandfather died; My 3 month old niece died not too long after; I started a new school that I don’t particularly care for, at least not last semester; I got promoted at work, which is not a bad thing because it is what I wanted, however that mixed in with a new school was rough; The depression was prevalent in early 2016, and has progressed into something far more sinister that I truly cannot fully explain; I thought I had gone through the worst pain in my life a few years prior, but pain and who gets to feel it is not picky; I have encountered so many people that are just. . . not good, they’re not genuine people; I feel as if I myself have become one of those people; I have jeopardized my morals, and it wasn’t all for the sake of new material or experiences; I have caused pain to those who truly care about me; I have done bad things to my ‘self’ and my body; My cat died 2 months ago; I’m pretty sure I failed most of my classes at my first semester at this school.
I am drowning, and there are moments in which I am able to submerge and gasp for air, but then the current overtakes me and the waves pull me under. How I feel is not easily explained. I am fully aware that to the outside person, maybe even to the people that care about me, this sounds overdramatic. I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me – that’s the last thing I need. 

I am writing this to apologize to the people who I care so deeply about, and you all know who you are. I was never really bad at texting, I did it frequently just like any normal person. But within this past year, maybe even a bit longer, I have been terrible at responding to people. To anyone. And everyone. And I know how much of a shitty friend that makes me… but especially within the past 10 months, I just don’t care. Let me clarify: I care about the ones I love. I just don’t care about life. I simply do not care. I don’t care to get up in the morning. I don’t care to hang out all the time. I don’t care to study. I don’t care to see anyone. I don’t care about myself. I do not care. I am so fucking numb right now. If I could shut myself off, or shut the world off for a while, I would. But that’s not possible. Which is why I have decided to do what I want to do. 

Essentially, the point of this post is to say I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to the people I love and care about in any way, shape, or form, that love and care about me. I’m so sorry. I know it has been a long year. But all I ask if that you please bear with me. Please. I haven’t been the greatest friend to any of you. And I’m sorry. I’m shitty at responding. I’m shitty at making plans. I’m shitty at following through with them. Just, please: if you love and care about me, bear with me a little while longer. A lot of you know how I am. And know that I want to please everyone. Essentially someone ends up getting put on the back burner. I don’t mean for that to happen. I am in a fucking horrible place. I don’t have the drive or momentum. And I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to deal with life. And I know I’m an adult and that’s what happens, we have to deal with life. But it is to the point where if I don’t seek the proper help that I need, there will be no life to deal with. Period. 

I write everything. I write everything on here. I never do it to draw attention to myself, or to make people feel a certain type of way towards me. Though people might be thinking that those are my intentions, and if you do, then all I have to say is that you don’t know me very well at all, so why read this post to begin with? 

I’m not where I want to be, or where I thought I’d be. I am at war with my mind and my body every single day. I am at war when I have to go to school or work. My mind hasn’t been completely there. And I can’t do it anymore, I cannot do it anymore. I love you all. Just please bear with me. 

No Self-Respect.

She has no self-respect,

She goes from guy to guy.

She lets them in her home,

She lets them feed her lies.

She wakes before the sun,

And looks what’s in the mirror.

She doesn’t know it’s her,

She cannot see that clear.

She lets them use her body,

She lets them in her soul.

If only someone told her,

That’s not how love should work.

She has no self-respect,

She might be just a hole.

This poor, pathetic girl,

Is stupid, I should know.

She cannot love herself,

So she lets them love her down.

And though it’s just a moment,

She cannot fathom how:

How she got this far,

she wasn’t raised like this.

Her heart and all her scars,

are deeper now, like his.

She’s looking for her love,

in all of the wrong places.

She can’t come back from this,

her self is non-complacent.


I’ll Find It

I’ll find what I am looking for

through awful men like him.

I’ll find it passed out on the floor,

from drinking too much gin.

I’ll find it through the devil’s eyes

by being so deceived.

I’ll find it within all their lies,

because they only lie to me.

I’ll find it through my broken heart,

that will heal on its own.

I’ll find it when I fall apart

’cause that’s the only thing I know.

I’ll find it when the left wrist bleeds,

and it takes a lot to stop.

I’ll find it when the medicine sinks,

and I am done falling apart.

I’ll find it when I am okay,

and everything would have been worth it.

Sadly, it is not today,

but that does not mean I don’t deserve it.



Anal Sex

My friend Mel is working up the courage to get ass-fucked by her boyfriend. It’s really sweet when you think about it. Ugh. I’m so happy for her. Anyway, let’s talk about the reality of anal sex:

It can suck my motherfucking dick. That shit hurts sooooooo fucking bad. There was probably ONCE when it was tolerable for me, and by tolerable I mean I wasn’t clenching the blanket in my fists as bad, and my eyes weren’t shut as tight, and my silent cries of help were just silent moans of pain. Too far? I sound like I’m getting anally raped. I wasn’t, for the record. I’m being slightly overdramatic. Colleen, if it’s that awful, why do you fucking do it? Super good question. So, when I was in a relationship with my ex, I wanted to experience everything sexual with him; we were incredibly inexperienced. I knew anal would hurt, despite girls in pornos taking it like a FUCKING CHAMP. He wasn’t too fond of period sex and to be honest, I don’t think I am either. But like, just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I don’t want you to offer. Like… if my vagina is bleeding that shouldn’t stop you from wanting to fuck me, regardless of whether it looks like a motherfuckin’ crime scene afterwards or not. At least be a gentleman and offer. Fuck. Anyway, so, I was on my period probably, or we just did it because we both wanted to try it. We went to Walgreens and got lube. Lol. I can’t with my 18 year old self. Were we 18 or 19…? We first had sex at 18, but I can’t see myself waiting a year to try anal sex – that’s insane and unjust.

So girls, you know when he’s fucking you and it legitimately accidentally almost goes into your ass? How many of you have been like: NOPE, NO, NOPE. WRONG HOLE! WRONG HOLE! Yeah. We’ve all been there. Only this time it was the right hole and I wasn’t only losing my butt virginity, but my dignity as well.  Just kidding. At least I did it with someone that loved and cared about me, right? Anyway. So, I lubed up my ass, and lubed up his dick. I’m pretty sure I used almost the entire bottle. I remember him being like do we really need that much? And me giving him a look like this is my asshole. Do you not know that it hurts? And he says what I’m sure a lot of guys say their first time fucking a girl, or guy’s ass: It hurts? No fucking shit. PORN IS NOT ALWAYS REALISTIC. Shortly thereafter, I was bent over my bed, and he slowly went in, and holy fucking shit, did that hurt. He was like, does it hurt? And I was thinking in my head: YES IT FUCKING HURTS SHUT THE FUCK UP. JUST HURRY UP AND CUM IN MY ASS. But I didn’t say anything and I think he could tell by my silence that it fucking hurt. He also tried rubbing my clit while doing it and I was like don’t fucking do that – don’t touch me. That, I said out loud… lmao. Oops. How incredibly unsexy. In short, I’m not a huge fan of anal. I did it with him because he didn’t like period sex, and I loved him. After doing it for a while and not being a stranger to it, it wasn’t as bad. And I always vowed to myself that I’d do it and could get into it if the person was into it and I liked them a lot or whatever. Obviously I am older, and a little bit more experienced, and so are the guys (sort of), so I think it’s something you could definitely get into. Ass play is becoming more and more popular. A lot of guys are ass guys now a days, in every form. I won’t lie to you, there are times where you’ll have anal, and then be scared to take a shit. And I don’t mean  like, shit on his dick, I mean scared to take a shit even if you have to the day after or a couple hours after because it hurts so bad. Too graphic? To the guys who are reading this, get the fuck over it.

Okay so let’s talk about guys who like anal sex more than vaginal sex. Some girls have their reservations with it. I mean, if a guy only wanted anal and never wanted to fuck my vagina I’d be insanely offended. Just because it’s like…. is my vagina not good enough for your dick, bitch? Like, sure, give it attention if you’re into it, that’s cool. But don’t make my ass the focal point. Especially since it’s not even my best asset: my boobs are. It is extremely hard in my opinion to tit-fuck unless you have fake tits. Like, big fake tits. But whatever. Back to anal. If you’re dating a guy that won’t fuck your vagina, I’d talk to him. I get that it’s tighter, but come on dude. Sex is a two-way street…in two-way sheets. Too lame?
The last guy I talked to loved blowjobs, so like, that was great for me. He liked sex, obviously, but he said that he’d rather fuck someone in the ass. And I asked over FaceTime while he was probably stroking his dick, Is it just because it’s tighter? I’m pretty sure he said yeah. But I know that for some people it’s a dominance thing. Even though doggy-style is alive and well, it’s different when you put ass into the mix. I think for him also it was like a punishment thing…? And I feel that may be the case for some people as well. Like, you’ve been a bad girl…bend over. And then bam: there’s a dick in your asshole. Without Lube. Most times it’s a bad surprise, and sometimes it’s a good one…like if you’ve been drinking and you’re numb to life and pain. Just Kidding. Not really. Whatever. Moral of the story is, don’t knock the back door until you try it. Personally I am not opposed to it, But if I’m not one for casual sex, then I’m definitely not going to be one for casual anal sex.

The Fuckboy

The names that we’ve given guys has actually had quite an interesting evolution. I’m sure there was once a cave woman gathering around some newly discovered fire with her girlfriends, drinking some wine or river water, whatever the fuck they had back then, grunting shit about her stupid husband because he thinks he’s so fucking cool just because he discovered fire. I’m pretty sure it’s a scientifical fact that the first name a guy was ever called, was UGH. From then on, it has evolved so beautifully, so vividly, that it’s almost unbelievable. What’s the latest term? Fuckboy. Or, Fuqboi. However you want to say it, spell it, snort it, it all means the same thing. I mean, asshole will always be a classic. So will douchebag. But Fuckboy…that’s turning into a real respected word. What is a Fuckboy, you might ask? The answer is simple: a Fuckboy is primitive to the male species. Think back to all of the ever-so-changing bad terms we’ve referred guys to: he’s all of that in one. He’s lame. Or he’s a loser. Or he’s a cheater. Or he uses you. He’s a liar. He’s a player. All of the above. He gives no fucks about you, just wants to fuck you. Probably either hates his mom, or loves his mom way too much – there is no in between. He also has at least 1 mirror selfie with his shirt off, and wears sunglasses indoors.
I so desperately wish that I could say The Fuckboy is a species that is slowly dying off and becoming extinct, but unfortunately, they’re like cockroaches – those motherfuckers have been around since the dawn of time; they survive nuclear wars and shit. THEY DON’T FUCKING DIE! Even if you squish one, mofo’s probably still gonna try and fuck another bitch with its legs broken and back cracked. How is that possible, you might ask? Well, it’s simple: They’re Fuckboys. The Fuckboy, much like the beloved cockroach, can withstand even the harshest of conditions. The only difference between the two, like, literally, the only difference, is that a cockroach cannot get up in the morning, find girls on tinder to fuck, and douse itself in cologne in which it thinks attracts the opposite sex. I mean, maybe cockroaches do that. Also, another thing, cockroaches actually want to stick around and never fucking leave. A Fuckboy does not do that – maybe just a psycho who you talked to at a bar and won’t stop fucking calling and texting you even though you’ve blocked their number more than once.
The Fuckboy is a very tricky species – it can inhabit its host as early on as birth, or, possibly later on in the host’s life. Very rarely is the host ever able to overcome the Fuckboy species. It is volatile and progressive. 10 in every 10 girls have either been exposed to, or were affected by the Fuckboy species. There is no actual cure; it’s like AIDS. That shit stays with you. Just one brief encounter, and you’re fucked. And not in a good way. There are, however, ways to nurse yourself back to health. After you’ve been quarantined for an unknown amount of hours, (hours may vary upon patient) watch some SATC with your best friends and or cat (if your life is sad like mine) and realize that the Fuckboy is just a bad moment in life, not a bad life, and realize you should love yourself before any boy because if you’re insecure as fuck and tell them that, you’re gonna be vulnerable. And no one deserves your vulnerability until they have proven to be worthy of it. But beware of them. They are proficient in lying and manipulation. We like to think that the species of woman has evolved to become smarter, and given said species a resistance to the Fuckboy, but sadly, scientists are still working on it. What makes the Fuckboy so dangerous is its ability to adapt in any situation, thus becoming the situation. The Fuckboy also camouflages itself to appear less volatile, which leads the female species under false pretenses in thinking that the Fuckboy is nice or different than the others. They are very good at this. But I beg you…please don’t be fooled. Their deception is on fucking point. You will believe that you are the only person he’s talking to or is interested in. He will lie and say things like how you’re different; I’m so comfortable around you; your head is amazing – be my girlfriend; I really like you; I don’t want you as a fuck buddy, I want you as something more eventually, and the list goes on and on and on. Fuckboys exist in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even give themselves nicknames. Gross. There is also a very high possibility that he will ghost you. That means if he’s not feelin’ it, he’ll just slowly stop talking to you and hope you get the hint, or just stop cold turkey. If he has any respect for himself and humanity, he will tell you what’s up. But even then, he’ll probably say something fucking dumb as fuck like and cliche like: It’s not you, it’s me; I’m just not ready to settle down yet; yeah, you’re nice and sweet but I want to fuck other people; you’re too good for me; I’m too fucked up and have too much going on; I want to focus on my career; you’re just not good enough for me; you’re too insecure; you’re not skinny enough for me, sorry. Some of those aren’t that cliche, and almost all of those things have been said to me, if that makes any girl out there feel better.

So, how do you weed out the Fuckboys from the good guys? Well fuck if I know. I’d say just don’t blow them on the first date, but even if you didn’t, that wouldn’t stop their Fuckboy-ness. I won’t curse the last Fuckboy I encountered. He wasn’t a Fuckboy at first, but, then again, isn’t that what they do…? Act like super sweet and pretend to like you and then hit you with a couple lines that make you feel like you’re pathetic and crazy for thinking they ever liked you in that way to begin with? Then they just become another number on the list, and another person you write about. Actually I was impressed with the last one, and I told him why. He really had me fooled. Either he lied the entire time, or he just realized later on that I wasn’t amazing enough for him to be with. That was what was said by the way: he alluded that he wasn’t really feeling it, or feeling just me anymore, so I was like you’re not the problem, apparently it’s me because you think I’m nice and sweet and my head game is decent, but I’m not an amazing enough girl for you to want to be with. And he replied with, I’m a jerk I know. Snaps and claps to you, Mr. F. I do wish him well, though. Like his personality was pretty cool. He was fucking weird and looked like a serial killer. Maybe that’s why I was into it… either way, moral of the story is…I’m not sure.

Just, be careful out there. The Fuckboy is a species that is developing all too quickly. I see them every day – strutting down the hallways at school, browsing by the polos or khaki shorts at work, even by the 1MX’s. THEY HAVE STARTED TO DRESS DIFFERENTLY. It used to be Ed Hardy shirts or gelled hair or sunglasses indoors. Unfortunately, the species has evolved. Just please, for the love of God, do not fall for their deception. It does take fucking//blowing a couple Fuckboys in order to find a sweet, nice guy. But wait… this is 2016 and I’m in my early 20’s. Fuck.

What I Don’t Expect You to Understand

Clearly everyone handles situations differently: that is blatantly obvious. I don’t ever, ever expect my family or best friends to fully understand how and why I feel about certain situations. One came up particularly that has been a hot topic within friend groups, I’m sure. I don’t expect people to understand my logic, reasoning, and rationality – if I even have any of that. I want to be completely real right now…not that I’m not ever, but not gonna lie, I’ve held back because I know what people think when they read what I write. Trust me, I know! I handle things differently, just like everyone else. I write. I fixate. I write. I dwell. I cry. I write. I write. I move forward but still write about it. That is what I fucking do. Sorry not sorry…? Like, I don’t know what else you expect me to say? Whenever I reference my ex, people, my friends, wonder why I do. And I get that… Because it almost seems like I am re-living the past every time I do. But you all wonder and ponder over the root of my insecurities and whatnot, which don’t have much to do with him, yet everything at the same time. Why do I suck random peoples’ dicks while my peers are in loving, happy relationships? Why do I waste my time on guys that, care, but don’t care as much as I do? And why…why was I not good enough to be loved in my last relationship? I don’t fully believe it was because I couldn’t love myself. That’s fucking bullshit. I’m sorry, but when your ex boyfriend that you dated for 3 years, that you had a history with, that was your first everything, that wanted you back after they broke your heart, dates a girl with the same first and middle name as you…with the same features… I will never be able to get over that. I won’t say never. But…. How am I supposed to feel? The person I loved so fucking much couldn’t, didn’t love me, after all that time. Didn’t want to live with me, didn’t want a family with me, cringed at the thought of any future movement… But here he is… In love with a girl who has my name. Who is everything that I couldn’t be for him: successful, happy, positive, etc. actually I have no idea if that’s how she is. But whatever. And he will probably marry her. And that’s fine. But here I am, being pathetic, when I can’t even get a guy to want me for something more than whatever the fuck. Oh, but, it’s cool if his ‘best friend’ hits on me, right? And it’s cool that his other friend snap chats me about my boobs. And then says he’s ‘kidding’. Okay. Awesome. Listen. I just want what everyone wants. I know I have a lot of flaws but I shouldn’t have to apologize for them if I’m a good person deep down, and I am because I would do anything for someone that I cared about. I want someone to think that my irrationality is neurotic – that it’s cute. I want someone to be unapologetically in love with me… For me. I want someone to be weird with. I want someone who doesn’t think I’m a psycho just because I have the encyclopedia of serial killers and the satanic bible in my book case. I’m still Catholic, people. I just find a lot of things fascinating. I want someone to think I’m amazing. Like, truly. Not just because they’re fucking me. I want someone to give blowjobs to regularly and make breakfast for. I want that person to be genuinely intrigued by not only me, but my thoughts, ideas, and writing. I don’t want them to freak out when I say that my idea of a perfect wedding would be like… Vintage gothic inspired. I don’t want to be ‘too weird’ for them. I want them to be just as weird in their own way. I want them to genuinely think my blowjobs are amazing and everything else. I want them to know that depression is no joke… And that it’s not easily fixable or maintained. I’m depressed and I can’t always help or prevent it. Whatever. It’s late. This is random. Good night. I’m not even editing it. Sorry not sorry. 

The Vagina Chronicals: Does X Mark the Spot?

Mia’s Vagina:

Firstly, no. I’m not talking about fucking a pirate; I’ve never fucked a pirate…unless you want to count Brad Stevenson at Stephanie Mason’s Halloween party back in 2013. Which, by the way, I still have nightmares. We were so drunk…

Anyway, so like, my confidence is super high, right? But sadly, Mia’s isn’t. I mean I don’t know what she’s so insecure about… She’s average height and slim. Her skin complexion is fairly decent except for the occasional breakout. What more could you ask for in life? As long as I’m pretty then that’s all that matters. I will say this though, if it looks good enough to eat, it probably isn’t. But luckily I was blessed *insert praying hands and hair flip emojis*. Storytelling isn’t really my thing because I have better things to do like maintain my figure, so I’ll cut to the chase. 

Unfortunately, Mia has a new boyfriend. I use the term boyfriend very loosely; he’s more of a short-term designated fuckboy. But why do I say unfortunately, you ask? Well, for one, I fucking love dick. But Mia is all like nooo I want to be in love blah blah blah. Fucking gag me. Actually, no, someone should literally fucking gag her – God knows the bitch needs it. But her boyfriend is a loser and he annoys me. You guys, his name is Bob. Fucking Bob! I shit you not! That’s almost as bad as Paul. His 16 year old trailer trash mom named him Bob (actually I think his parents live in Connecticut and his dad’s an investment banker and his mom’s a teacher. She didn’t really have him at 16 – I’m just being overdramatic). But anyway, it’s not even short for anything like the way Jesus intended. You think he died for our sins just so dumbass upper middle class white people could name their sons Bob?! Um. No. Wanna know another reason why I hate his penis and the douche attached to it? He. Fucking. Insulted. Me. Like, what? Excuse me, but, the last time I checked I was perfect and you weren’t circumcised (not that I have anything against that because, you know…Jesus and shit). But come on. Aesteically, it’s just not that pleasing. But whatever, I’ve been given the challenge before so it doesn’t bother me that much. 

We had sex with Bob for the first time last night. Despite my negative feelings towards him, I was excited because I was very sexually frustrated and Mia doesn’t masturbate *yawn; eye roll* so I was like cool. So like, I’m getting excited because he’s not too bad at foreplay like I expected him to be, and his hand movements are decent. The whole time I hear him complimenting Mia’s amazing body and I’m just bitter as fuck. Not literally…because I taste good. But like why can’t you compliment me? I’m amazing…

So he gets inside… And he does not make the sound that I’m used to hearing. Or the facial expressions I’m used to seeing. Every guy is different, I’m not an idiot, but like the slight moan or the heavy breath or either the stillness of the eyes looking at the person or their eyes closing briefly because it feels so good, he did none of that. NOTHING. And I take it very personally when a guy is fucking us and he doesn’t cum. Like, cum in me, cum on her face, cum on her tits, I really don’t care what you do to the bitch, as long as you cum. I know it’s silly to get upset about but shut up. So it lasted an excruciatingly painful 2 minutes. I think Mia may have thought that she liked it, but I didn’t. After 2 minutes, he gets off of her (she’s boring and doesn’t like to be on top), he shoves his dick in her face and says, suck me off, baby. I cringed. Gross. Not that I’m against blowjobs, but the way he said it was way too sleezy child-pornographer-like. Don’t ask how I know that. But that’s not even the sickest part…. 

This motherfucker had the fucking audacity 10 minutes after he tried to cum on her tits but fucking missed because he has bad aim so it was more like… on her stomach; on her chest; on her jawline, to text his friend and tell him that he missed Cindy and her ‘tight pussy’. Cindy is his motherfucking ex girlfriend. Literally. She probably fucked his mom. 

There are so many things wrong with that text. First off, Cindy is a stripper name. But not like the classy stripper that gets tipped in 10’s and 20’s. She’s like the truck stop stripper that old creepy men go to see when they’ve been on the road too long and they’re miserable with their fat, old, ugly wives. She wears a shiny green bikini that very poorly covers her c-section scar. Secondly, I’m fucking tight as fuck. His dick is too small and I’m not even saying that as like a petty thing: it kind of was really small. And like, I’m not defending her boring-ness, but Mia can get a bit prude. But she’s sweet. Not that that makes up for anything she lacks sex-wise but it’s worth a try. I am an amazing, independent vagina and I demand justice. Third of all, why are we talking about your ex? Do guys do that? Do they fuck their new prospect//girlfriend and then think that her pussy isn’t as bomb as the last one…? That’s not really fair. Poor Mia. Actually, poor me… I’m the one who gets screwed in this situation and ironically it’s not even in a literal sense. I’m a huge believer that it is very important to be sexually compatible in a relationship. If the guy’s an asshole, then, well, sometimes it’s those kinds of guys that are the best. Okay no. I have to focus. What I’m trying to say is….if you want something longer-term, they have to be right for you and your vagina in more ways than one. 

In the words of our gay best friend quoting someone from Mob Wives (I think): BobPaul could lick my motha fuckin’ pussy in fuckin’ Macy’s. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day; stay wet! 


Mia’s Vagina. 

She Has the Ocean in Her Eyes

She has the ocean in her eyes:

he saw that as she spoke to him. 

But with his words she found his lies,

and thus the trouble starts again. 

She has the ocean in her eyes:

you saw her sadness everyday. 

Even the waves could not disguise –

the pain she felt when he’d gone astray. 

She has the ocean in her eyes:

he looked away in fear of her. 

Nothing that beautiful should ever cry –

but he doesn’t know what caused her tears. 

And then the moon comes out to play –

and her pupils sink like a broken ship. 

The oceans’ currents, the tidal waves –

Collide together because of him. 

She had the ocean in her eyes:

the saltiness and freezing cold. 

And though he loved her, though he tried,

he could not fix her broken soul.