I couldn’t even make this shit up if I wanted to – mostly because I try to steer away from things that are considered to be painfully cliché.
I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, especially about the wonderful life game I like to call, Adventures in Dating When You’re in Your 20’s. You guys, there’s so much shit I haven’t told you, mainly because life gets in the way of writing about life experiences. But this one, oh, this one is way too good not to share.
So, I’ve fucked with Tinder and Hinge in the past; I’ve never fucked with Bumble simply because I hate the name and think it’s Fucking stupid. However, about 2 months ago I took the plunge and downloaded it. Why not? In total, I’ve met 2 guys off of Bumble. 1 was named Sam and we went to a cemetery on our first date (it was my idea and he was super cute and weird and totally all for it). It went really well, the only problem was that he lived like an hour away, AND there would be no second date for a while considering I was going to Florida. This was back in May. Well, as per usual, in Florida I got drunk and I said something to him, but it wasn’t offensive or anything, I swear. And he wrote back saying he didn’t want anything serious, *eye roll*, and that I was too complicated. Now, he was super fucking cute, weird, and tall, and a good kisser, but it was whatever. Nothing I haven’t heard before. Sam, if you ever read this, stay weird, my friend.
But this post isn’t about Sam. It’s about a guy that I talked to for a week via text and Snapchat, and we finally got drinks this past Friday. His name is Daniel; everyone, say hi to Daniel. Daniel is a 28 year old ‘man’ that works as a paramedic. He’s 5’9 and Puerto Rican, however, I spoke more Spanish than him. He was interesting looking and had a nice smile. He was also funny and seemingly sweet. All great things. So, Daniel and I text throughout the week; of course things end up getting sexual because, hi, I’m Colleen and I’m the fucking worst. But that wasn’t all it was; he knew I was weird, that was the whole point of him being interested in me…or so I thought. And honestly, I can’t even talk shit about him because I’m pretty sure he might have a video or something of me that I’ve been meaning to send to Shannon because I’m sure she’d enjoy it. Anyway, not the point. So, Friday comes. Need I mind you, he seemed super psyched to hang out and get to know each other. He gave me no signals of fuckboy to the highest degree. So, I get to the bar, and then he gets to the bar. We’re talking and everything seemed fine. He told me I was hard to read, which everyone says that: I personally think that’s awesome, but guys don’t like challenges and shit. We order 2 beers. We finish them while talking about some things we touched on during our texting conversation. We order 2 more beers. We get into the topic of religion, to which I told him I was Catholic, but satanism is actually quite fascinating and is totally misunderstood, but I’m not a satanist. He was fine, and was interested with what I was saying about it. Then I told him I had a black cat. He said, Lemme guess, you named him Salem like the cat from Hocus Pocus? First of all… Salem is the name of the town. Thackery Binx was the name of the Cat. Salem the cat is from Sabrina the teenaged witch. God. Then he got warmer and said Damian. And then he said Lucifer. I said yes – he laughed; everything was totally cool. He then told me he’d be right back, cool. Whatever. Meanwhile I checked my phone and I was texting Kevin. 10 minutes goes by. Nothing. I told Kevin and he’s like, wait another 10 minutes. I waited another 15 minutes. Nothing. Was this really happening? No way. He’s probably taking a shit or something. There’s no way he just pulled that; that’s way too Fucking cliché, and that would never happen to me. Well…it Fucking happened. I texted him, but the messages weren’t going through; I know he blocked my number because he had an iPhone and the messages weren’t showing up in blue, but they were when I was texting Kevin. I go to Facebook and see he deleted me. I go to Bumble and see he deleted me off there, too. So…I got up, went to the bathroom, fixed my eyeliner, came out, and asked the waitress for the bill. She told me, ‘oh, don’t worry, he got it!’ Well fucking gee. At least he had the decency to pay. I mean, it’s the least he could fucking do after Fucking leaving me alone at a bar in a neighborhood 35 minutes away from mine. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried. Not in the bar, but on the way home. Kevin came to get me. It was very -beginning of a rom com where a girl always dates shitty guys and then meets the love of her life somewhere like Barnes n Noble, or the total opposite by getting hammered the next night- It was crazy, you guys. I didn’t know this shit happened in real life. To just leave like that… I don’t fucking understand why guys can’t be straight up. Bro, you could’ve told me I weirded you out or something. I came to the conclusion that it was either because he thought I was ugly and fat, OR, the whole talk about me thinking satanism is interesting, EVEN THOUGH I’M FUCKING CATHOLIC, freaked him out. Everyone thinks it’s the latter. I should’ve seen the warning signs. He said he’s never sent out dick pics (yeah, okay), and he liked Halloween, but he wasn’t like, in love with it. You know who I think about in times like this? Dale. Dale liked that I was weird. Dale also liked my blowjobs and was a fucking fuckboy and that earned him #1 or #2 on Maria’s shitlist. She had a legit list: it’s of all the guys that have fucked me over…but not just fucked me over, like, Fucking royally, no lube, no warning FUCKED. Its actually quite hilarious and I’ve been meaning to make a post about it. In fact, I’m gonna text her and see her in like, 20 minutes so we’ll figure this out, don’t worry.
Anyway, thought you guys would enjoy that story. I’m still shook, to be honest. Not even trying to flatter myself. I just didn’t know guys were such pussies. He probably thought I was gonna drug him and sacrifice him to ‘my dark lord and savior, Satan’. My cat’s name is Lucifer. It’s cute as fuck so stop being a little fucking bitch. So you can go shave your back now, bye Daniel.