If you’re a single male and reading this, feel free to let me know what you think, for this might be a little too emotional for you.
To be completely honest, I could cry right now and not entirely know the exact reason why. I’m gonna clue you guys in if you ever find yourself falling for a girl who society might deem hard to love: run. Run as fucking far and as fast as you can. Because if you don’t run now, she’ll give you reasons to soon enough. As annoying as it may seem to those who read my posts, I will never stop talking about this aspect of relationships and love. Sorry, not sorry. Yes, I am aware that everyone gets hurt – it’s a part of life. What makes my life any different, or different enough to read about? Well. I guess that’s for you to find out. Talking to someone who I respect and love, it’s made me wonder certain things. She’s gorgeous, her body is bomb, she’s smart: why would she have to worry about her relationship? It just goes to show you it doesn’t matter who you are. I once thought that I was indestructible when it came to guys and relationships. I thought I was hurt so badly, that no man, no being could ever hurt me as bad. Therefore, I could handle anything and survive. To some extent that is undeniably true. Aw, I’ve talked to you for 5 seconds and you want to call me an ugly slut because I won’t suck your dick? How nice. True story, by the way. Shout out to Johnny. But really, I feel bad for guys in general because women are so complicated as it is. Guys can be, too, but we’re complicated as fuck. Throw some self-loathing in there and you have yourself a potentially destructive human. So, talking to this person a couple days ago, she came to the conclusion that I think some girls do: she realized what she does, but not the full reason as to why she does. And, I do the same thing.
Everyone, and I mean every fucking one, for over 3 years, even when I was with Nick has said:
Colleen, you can’t always be so open. You can’t tell guys everything. You can’t let them know what you’re thinking all the time. Colleen, you’re gonna scare him off. Colleen, don’t do that. Colleen he’s not gonna take you seriously. Stop talking about blowjobs. Stop being so straightforward.
I’ve heard it all before. And I never learn my lesson. Ever. You think I would, right? No. Because of course I rationally know that guys don’t wanna deal with all your shit right up front, especially if they’re first getting to know you. Because your emotions don’t always define you as a person, and you’re letting them see that side of you. But we do it because it’s better you realize you can’t deal with it now, then in 3 years. And let me tell you. . .what an awful way to live and view relationships. How can that be fair? It’s not, it’s not at all. If a guy blatantly gave me reasons not to like him, it’d be annoying as fuck. And when I’m doing it to a guy, even if they don’t think it’s annoying at first, I talk about it and talk about it and then they’re like yeah no bye. And I get it; I get it, I do. I’m the first person to get it, even before they do. And having this mentality has gotten me nowhere. First and foremost, I will say that girls aren’t fucking stupid. I’ve talked about this SO many fucking times, but we can tell when a guy is pulling away. If you’ve been talking to someone for a couple weeks, and there’s a routine that’s been formed, and, whatever, it’s like science. Like we know. And no offense but guys are pussies and they don’t want to tell you that they’re not into you, so they try and sugarcoat it or you have to be the one that’s like, okay dude what’s going on.
I wrote a post a while back entitled, For Anyone Who Dates Me, or some shit. Like, yes, there are aspects of myself that I think would make me a great catch. And I’m a super caring person, and to be honest I feel like whoever makes that decision or thinks, damn, I really want this girl as my girlfriend – she’s amazing, is gonna be super lucky. Not even because of how I feel about sex and domesticity, but like, if someone could just get past the fact that I don’t mean to push people away or give them reasons not to like me, then it would be worth it. Something I’ve heard from multiple people, not even just Nick, that makes me cringe every time is, why do you have to be the way that you are? Why do you have to be so difficult? Why can’t you just be? I don’t have answers to those questions. And I’m not sure if I ever will, unfortunately. If someone I like reads what I write, they probably find out more about me than they should a potential prospect. And they’ll tell you they like it, that it’s different in the best way possible. But they honestly don’t know what you’ve experienced, what you’ve heard, what you’ve seen, how you’ve felt, how you hurt. And until someone says, tell me, I want to know, then, it’s probably not going to work. It doesn’t matter what someone has going on in their life – if you like them and want to be a part of it, you help however you can.
I tried SO hard. . . SO fucking hard to be there for Tony, when he was sick, or when he was in the hospital, or when he felt upset. And sure, he appreciated it. Sure he cared about me as a person. Sure he thought I was a nice girl. Again, I know my faults. I am the first one to say what they are. I know he still reads this, but damn. Like, some of the shit that went down, I really didn’t deserve. I remember one time we were at the gas station, and he was upset about something and I asked if he was okay and he said no, and whatever else he said. Now, I don’t know why I do this, but I ask if someone’s okay more than once no matter what they tell me. It’s subconscious, it’s just what I do sometimes. And he went off on me. Something along the lines of, ‘what’s wrong with you, are you dumb, why the fuck would you ask that when I just told you I wasn’t, etc.’ and I just remember thinking I didn’t deserve that. I remember wondering how I got there, why I liked this person so much when he had absolutely no intention of being in an actual relationship with me. And he could say that he ‘was taking the time to see where things go’, but after six months, it’s like. . .okay. And after he moved and said what he said to me and made me feel so shitty, it was just, like, why Colleen? He told me I had no self-respect. That’s not the point right now, though.
This sounds like, ‘boohoo oh my god so sad blah blah blah’. That’s not what I’m trying to convey. At all. I realize it sometimes comes across that way. Most times it comes across that way. I thought to myself a long time ago that I just wanted someone to accept all of me. To say, it’s okay, I’m going to keep trying. But that is not that person’s job – it is incredibly selfish to ask that of someone. It is so selfish. And I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t fucking matter whether you love yourself or not. You’ve spent years trying to love yourself. It was hard. It was difficult. And you expect another human being to accept all of you? Your body, your mind, your spirit, your soul? There’s a reason why I stopped writing about guys that I like or want it to go somewhere. Now I just write about assholes and failed prospects. It’s easy for guys to tell me I’m different, because I am. And I like that about myself. But, like we all know, it’s just never right. They’ll say it’s cool that I have a blog, and they ask what it’s about. But only a handful have read it, and for those who have, I greatly appreciate it. I’ve been told that I’d be an ideal girlfriend. And I’ve also been told that I would not be. Life isn’t a fucking John Green or Nicholas Sparks novel. No guy in his right mind is going to want to be with a girl who’s difficult. Guys want a girl who’s easy, and simple; a girl who’s not complex or whatever she is. My mom tells me that constantly. But I will say that those are the ones with the basic white girl names who probably don’t even give amazing head. But this isn’t even about blowjobs for once. My mentality on a lot of things is my mentality. It comes from my mind. It has its pros and cons. It’s just not fair to have to worry most of the time if the person you love finally had enough. If that last anxiety attack was the one that made them leave. If that one irrational thought was enough to push them over the edge. It mind fucks me.
Going back to what was stated earlier, this person is a wonderful person. And it’s not fair to let her anxiety define her. Just like it’s not fair to let my shit define me. However, at the same time, it is what it is. It is unfortunately a part of me. And like I’ve said before, it was instilled in my brain that it was not a desirable part. I was ‘loved’ for everything but that. Jesus. And I can’t even blame him because I don’t. I understand. But we have to wonder, if parts of us are hard to love and accept, does that mean we find someone that isn’t afraid of a challenge? One that works harder in general? I honestly don’t know. And it’s terrifying. Since when did it become a thing where it doesn’t matter if I’m witty, or funny, or pretty, or nice, or whatever. . .those get overrun by the things a woman should not be. This post has become all over the place. And the more I write, the more I stop to reevaluate my choices and what I’m doing.
I guess I’ll leave it off at this: for anyone who dates me, who really dates me, who would want a relationship with me, you must have some balls. You also must be an incredible human if you want to call me your girlfriend.
And I want J to know this: love is incredibly messy and gross and disgusting and wonderful and cliche and beautiful and good and evil – it is everything. And if you’re lucky enough to find a man willing to cross the tattered, old rope bridge with the possibility of falling into a fiery pit of hell, climb the oldest, highest guarded tower in the land, in the darkest of night, not to banish your beasts and demons, but to help tame them, you are lucky. Some step outside, only to see that it’s far too dark to go anywhere. Some get to the bridge, only to see that it’s not worth crossing, for it’s far too dangerous. Some get to the tower, only to realize that it’s too high and that the chances of them falling to their death are higher than the tower. Some climb the tower, only to get overrun or eaten by your beasts and demons. And then there’s one that has completed every obstacle, every challenge – has come face to face with the monsters inside of your head, and does not flinch. And I would imagine that that would be the most beautiful thing, because you, my dear, are worth the fight.