I’m offended. I can’t believe she would betray me like this. She acts like this is all my fault or something. You guys, I’m sorry, I’m just really upset right now, and need some time to think. I just don’t understand how someone could do that to their vagina, their best friend, essentially. Bitch I have the power to push out humans. The fuck. Okay. Calming down now. Here’s what happened:
We recently started seeing a new guy. He’s no one special, just someone Liz has tricked herself into liking because deep down, despite her good looks, she’s deathly afraid of being alone and having nothing to show for her life besides her ceramic bunny collection and the twelve cats that never went hungry because they ate her 400lb body after she died from a heart attack while reaching for more chicken in the KFC bucket. His name is Troy. Now I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: Troy kind of sounds like a douchebag name. It does, and it is. Though Liz and I are…conjoined at the cervix, we are two totally different beings. I’m more relaxed and not as uptight, whereas she has to be prim and proper all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with keeping me properly groomed, but I don’t particularly like when hair gets ripped out of me. Does anybody? No, Liz.
I’ll give credit where credit is due, Troy is really good at going down on me. Like, probably one of the best we’ve ever had. His dick game is also so strong, that I can get past the fact that he tears up after he cums, and feels the need to shower right after. Weird. Whatever.
So, it was a particularly blah Monday evening. We had just gotten done with dinner, when Troy and Liz started making out. After a couple glasses of wine, it turns out that Troy is extra frisky. Liz was conveniently wearing a dress when he started making his way down to me with his hand. I was super wet because, hello. So he starts fingering me, and it feels really good. He then takes his fingers out of me, puts them up to Liz, and says, “Taste yourself for me, baby.” He said it in a really attractive way, it wasn’t tacky at all either, so I’ll give him that. To my astonishment, however, Liz replies, “Sorry, I don’t do that.”
Um. First of all, no guy has ever wanted her to taste me before, so like, it was never an issue, you know? But. . .the fact that my wetness is presented before her on his index and middle finger, and she won’t taste me. . .? How fucking rude. I could tell that both Troy and me were slightly turned off. So, he did what every guy would do: he said, “Not even for me?”
Troy, I’m just as disappointed and hurt as you are. After he realized that she wasn’t going to do it, he put them in his own mouth and said, “You taste so fucking good.”
Aw, thanks Troy. Maybe you’re not so bad after all.
Then he proceeded to pound the fuck out of me. Literally. I was so sore.
But back to the real issue here…how could she not trust me to taste okay? Like, she takes care of me and I’m a better vagina for it, but damn. I just…can’t even look at her right now. I’m kind of embarrassed, to be completely honest. I’m embarrassed. It’s embarrassing. What are we, 16? No, bitch. You know, I partly blame myself; I should have seen the signs. Every time a guy has eaten me, she won’t kiss him. She makes them wipe their mouth and pop an Altoid. Liz’s best friend Morgan’s vagina is lucky. Morgan will do absolutely anything a guy says because she’s even more pathetic than Liz, so she tastes her vagina. I mean I know I should feel lucky that at least I’m well taken care of, but I just don’t know how I’m gonna get past this. Can we come back from this? If bitch keeps acting like a prude, she is gonna die at 37 with her 12 cats and cold bucket of KFC.