To The People Who Care & Love Me: Please Read

To my family and all of my friends, 2016 has been one of the worst years of my life since 2008-2009. I don’t want any sympathy, that’s not why I’m writing this. A lot of things have happened in 2016: I found out some interesting news a couple weeks in that would change my perception on not only myself, but what I knew for the past 4 years; I’ve jeopardized friendships for reasons that I am in no way proud of, even to this day; My grandfather died; My 3 month old niece died not too long after; I started a new school that I don’t particularly care for, at least not last semester; I got promoted at work, which is not a bad thing because it is what I wanted, however that mixed in with a new school was rough; The depression was prevalent in early 2016, and has progressed into something far more sinister that I truly cannot fully explain; I thought I had gone through the worst pain in my life a few years prior, but pain and who gets to feel it is not picky; I have encountered so many people that are just. . . not good, they’re not genuine people; I feel as if I myself have become one of those people; I have jeopardized my morals, and it wasn’t all for the sake of new material or experiences; I have caused pain to those who truly care about me; I have done bad things to my ‘self’ and my body; My cat died 2 months ago; I’m pretty sure I failed most of my classes at my first semester at this school.
I am drowning, and there are moments in which I am able to submerge and gasp for air, but then the current overtakes me and the waves pull me under. How I feel is not easily explained. I am fully aware that to the outside person, maybe even to the people that care about me, this sounds overdramatic. I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me – that’s the last thing I need. 

I am writing this to apologize to the people who I care so deeply about, and you all know who you are. I was never really bad at texting, I did it frequently just like any normal person. But within this past year, maybe even a bit longer, I have been terrible at responding to people. To anyone. And everyone. And I know how much of a shitty friend that makes me… but especially within the past 10 months, I just don’t care. Let me clarify: I care about the ones I love. I just don’t care about life. I simply do not care. I don’t care to get up in the morning. I don’t care to hang out all the time. I don’t care to study. I don’t care to see anyone. I don’t care about myself. I do not care. I am so fucking numb right now. If I could shut myself off, or shut the world off for a while, I would. But that’s not possible. Which is why I have decided to do what I want to do. 

Essentially, the point of this post is to say I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to the people I love and care about in any way, shape, or form, that love and care about me. I’m so sorry. I know it has been a long year. But all I ask if that you please bear with me. Please. I haven’t been the greatest friend to any of you. And I’m sorry. I’m shitty at responding. I’m shitty at making plans. I’m shitty at following through with them. Just, please: if you love and care about me, bear with me a little while longer. A lot of you know how I am. And know that I want to please everyone. Essentially someone ends up getting put on the back burner. I don’t mean for that to happen. I am in a fucking horrible place. I don’t have the drive or momentum. And I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to deal with life. And I know I’m an adult and that’s what happens, we have to deal with life. But it is to the point where if I don’t seek the proper help that I need, there will be no life to deal with. Period. 

I write everything. I write everything on here. I never do it to draw attention to myself, or to make people feel a certain type of way towards me. Though people might be thinking that those are my intentions, and if you do, then all I have to say is that you don’t know me very well at all, so why read this post to begin with? 

I’m not where I want to be, or where I thought I’d be. I am at war with my mind and my body every single day. I am at war when I have to go to school or work. My mind hasn’t been completely there. And I can’t do it anymore, I cannot do it anymore. I love you all. Just please bear with me. 

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2 thoughts on “To The People Who Care & Love Me: Please Read

  1. Hi sweet Colleen. First and foremost you are the most important person in your life. Take care of yourself no matter what that entails. Those who love you will be there for you through thick or thin. I ❤️ you so much. I’m here for whatever you need me for. 😘😘XOXOXO

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