To my family and all of my friends, 2016 has been one of the worst years of my life since 2008-2009. I don’t want any sympathy, that’s not why I’m writing this. A lot of things have happened in 2016: I found out some interesting news a couple weeks in that would change my perception on not only myself, but what I knew for the past 4 years; I’ve jeopardized friendships for reasons that I am in no way proud of, even to this day; My grandfather died; My 3 month old niece died not too long after; I started a new school that I don’t particularly care for, at least not last semester; I got promoted at work, which is not a bad thing because it is what I wanted, however that mixed in with a new school was rough; The depression was prevalent in early 2016, and has progressed into something far more sinister that I truly cannot fully explain; I thought I had gone through the worst pain in my life a few years prior, but pain and who gets to feel it is not picky; I have encountered so many people that are just. . . not good, they’re not genuine people; I feel as if I myself have become one of those people; I have jeopardized my morals, and it wasn’t all for the sake of new material or experiences; I have caused pain to those who truly care about me; I have done bad things to my ‘self’ and my body; My cat died 2 months ago; I’m pretty sure I failed most of my classes at my first semester at this school.
I am drowning, and there are moments in which I am able to submerge and gasp for air, but then the current overtakes me and the waves pull me under. How I feel is not easily explained. I am fully aware that to the outside person, maybe even to the people that care about me, this sounds overdramatic. I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me – that’s the last thing I need.
I am writing this to apologize to the people who I care so deeply about, and you all know who you are. I was never really bad at texting, I did it frequently just like any normal person. But within this past year, maybe even a bit longer, I have been terrible at responding to people. To anyone. And everyone. And I know how much of a shitty friend that makes me… but especially within the past 10 months, I just don’t care. Let me clarify: I care about the ones I love. I just don’t care about life. I simply do not care. I don’t care to get up in the morning. I don’t care to hang out all the time. I don’t care to study. I don’t care to see anyone. I don’t care about myself. I do not care. I am so fucking numb right now. If I could shut myself off, or shut the world off for a while, I would. But that’s not possible. Which is why I have decided to do what I want to do.
Essentially, the point of this post is to say I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to the people I love and care about in any way, shape, or form, that love and care about me. I’m so sorry. I know it has been a long year. But all I ask if that you please bear with me. Please. I haven’t been the greatest friend to any of you. And I’m sorry. I’m shitty at responding. I’m shitty at making plans. I’m shitty at following through with them. Just, please: if you love and care about me, bear with me a little while longer. A lot of you know how I am. And know that I want to please everyone. Essentially someone ends up getting put on the back burner. I don’t mean for that to happen. I am in a fucking horrible place. I don’t have the drive or momentum. And I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to deal with life. And I know I’m an adult and that’s what happens, we have to deal with life. But it is to the point where if I don’t seek the proper help that I need, there will be no life to deal with. Period.
I write everything. I write everything on here. I never do it to draw attention to myself, or to make people feel a certain type of way towards me. Though people might be thinking that those are my intentions, and if you do, then all I have to say is that you don’t know me very well at all, so why read this post to begin with?
I’m not where I want to be, or where I thought I’d be. I am at war with my mind and my body every single day. I am at war when I have to go to school or work. My mind hasn’t been completely there. And I can’t do it anymore, I cannot do it anymore. I love you all. Just please bear with me.