Anal Sex

My friend Mel is working up the courage to get ass-fucked by her boyfriend. It’s really sweet when you think about it. Ugh. I’m so happy for her. Anyway, let’s talk about the reality of anal sex:

It can suck my motherfucking dick. That shit hurts sooooooo fucking bad. There was probably ONCE when it was tolerable for me, and by tolerable I mean I wasn’t clenching the blanket in my fists as bad, and my eyes weren’t shut as tight, and my silent cries of help were just silent moans of pain. Too far? I sound like I’m getting anally raped. I wasn’t, for the record. I’m being slightly overdramatic. Colleen, if it’s that awful, why do you fucking do it? Super good question. So, when I was in a relationship with my ex, I wanted to experience everything sexual with him; we were incredibly inexperienced. I knew anal would hurt, despite girls in pornos taking it like a FUCKING CHAMP. He wasn’t too fond of period sex and to be honest, I don’t think I am either. But like, just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean I don’t want you to offer. Like… if my vagina is bleeding that shouldn’t stop you from wanting to fuck me, regardless of whether it looks like a motherfuckin’ crime scene afterwards or not. At least be a gentleman and offer. Fuck. Anyway, so, I was on my period probably, or we just did it because we both wanted to try it. We went to Walgreens and got lube. Lol. I can’t with my 18 year old self. Were we 18 or 19…? We first had sex at 18, but I can’t see myself waiting a year to try anal sex – that’s insane and unjust.

So girls, you know when he’s fucking you and it legitimately accidentally almost goes into your ass? How many of you have been like: NOPE, NO, NOPE. WRONG HOLE! WRONG HOLE! Yeah. We’ve all been there. Only this time it was the right hole and I wasn’t only losing my butt virginity, but my dignity as well.  Just kidding. At least I did it with someone that loved and cared about me, right? Anyway. So, I lubed up my ass, and lubed up his dick. I’m pretty sure I used almost the entire bottle. I remember him being like do we really need that much? And me giving him a look like this is my asshole. Do you not know that it hurts? And he says what I’m sure a lot of guys say their first time fucking a girl, or guy’s ass: It hurts? No fucking shit. PORN IS NOT ALWAYS REALISTIC. Shortly thereafter, I was bent over my bed, and he slowly went in, and holy fucking shit, did that hurt. He was like, does it hurt? And I was thinking in my head: YES IT FUCKING HURTS SHUT THE FUCK UP. JUST HURRY UP AND CUM IN MY ASS. But I didn’t say anything and I think he could tell by my silence that it fucking hurt. He also tried rubbing my clit while doing it and I was like don’t fucking do that – don’t touch me. That, I said out loud… lmao. Oops. How incredibly unsexy. In short, I’m not a huge fan of anal. I did it with him because he didn’t like period sex, and I loved him. After doing it for a while and not being a stranger to it, it wasn’t as bad. And I always vowed to myself that I’d do it and could get into it if the person was into it and I liked them a lot or whatever. Obviously I am older, and a little bit more experienced, and so are the guys (sort of), so I think it’s something you could definitely get into. Ass play is becoming more and more popular. A lot of guys are ass guys now a days, in every form. I won’t lie to you, there are times where you’ll have anal, and then be scared to take a shit. And I don’t mean  like, shit on his dick, I mean scared to take a shit even if you have to the day after or a couple hours after because it hurts so bad. Too graphic? To the guys who are reading this, get the fuck over it.

Okay so let’s talk about guys who like anal sex more than vaginal sex. Some girls have their reservations with it. I mean, if a guy only wanted anal and never wanted to fuck my vagina I’d be insanely offended. Just because it’s like…. is my vagina not good enough for your dick, bitch? Like, sure, give it attention if you’re into it, that’s cool. But don’t make my ass the focal point. Especially since it’s not even my best asset: my boobs are. It is extremely hard in my opinion to tit-fuck unless you have fake tits. Like, big fake tits. But whatever. Back to anal. If you’re dating a guy that won’t fuck your vagina, I’d talk to him. I get that it’s tighter, but come on dude. Sex is a two-way street…in two-way sheets. Too lame?
The last guy I talked to loved blowjobs, so like, that was great for me. He liked sex, obviously, but he said that he’d rather fuck someone in the ass. And I asked over FaceTime while he was probably stroking his dick, Is it just because it’s tighter? I’m pretty sure he said yeah. But I know that for some people it’s a dominance thing. Even though doggy-style is alive and well, it’s different when you put ass into the mix. I think for him also it was like a punishment thing…? And I feel that may be the case for some people as well. Like, you’ve been a bad girl…bend over. And then bam: there’s a dick in your asshole. Without Lube. Most times it’s a bad surprise, and sometimes it’s a good one…like if you’ve been drinking and you’re numb to life and pain. Just Kidding. Not really. Whatever. Moral of the story is, don’t knock the back door until you try it. Personally I am not opposed to it, But if I’m not one for casual sex, then I’m definitely not going to be one for casual anal sex.


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