The Fuckboy

The names that we’ve given guys has actually had quite an interesting evolution. I’m sure there was once a cave woman gathering around some newly discovered fire with her girlfriends, drinking some wine or river water, whatever the fuck they had back then, grunting shit about her stupid husband because he thinks he’s so fucking cool just because he discovered fire. I’m pretty sure it’s a scientifical fact that the first name a guy was ever called, was UGH. From then on, it has evolved so beautifully, so vividly, that it’s almost unbelievable. What’s the latest term? Fuckboy. Or, Fuqboi. However you want to say it, spell it, snort it, it all means the same thing. I mean, asshole will always be a classic. So will douchebag. But Fuckboy…that’s turning into a real respected word. What is a Fuckboy, you might ask? The answer is simple: a Fuckboy is primitive to the male species. Think back to all of the ever-so-changing bad terms we’ve referred guys to: he’s all of that in one. He’s lame. Or he’s a loser. Or he’s a cheater. Or he uses you. He’s a liar. He’s a player. All of the above. He gives no fucks about you, just wants to fuck you. Probably either hates his mom, or loves his mom way too much – there is no in between. He also has at least 1 mirror selfie with his shirt off, and wears sunglasses indoors.
I so desperately wish that I could say The Fuckboy is a species that is slowly dying off and becoming extinct, but unfortunately, they’re like cockroaches – those motherfuckers have been around since the dawn of time; they survive nuclear wars and shit. THEY DON’T FUCKING DIE! Even if you squish one, mofo’s probably still gonna try and fuck another bitch with its legs broken and back cracked. How is that possible, you might ask? Well, it’s simple: They’re Fuckboys. The Fuckboy, much like the beloved cockroach, can withstand even the harshest of conditions. The only difference between the two, like, literally, the only difference, is that a cockroach cannot get up in the morning, find girls on tinder to fuck, and douse itself in cologne in which it thinks attracts the opposite sex. I mean, maybe cockroaches do that. Also, another thing, cockroaches actually want to stick around and never fucking leave. A Fuckboy does not do that – maybe just a psycho who you talked to at a bar and won’t stop fucking calling and texting you even though you’ve blocked their number more than once.
The Fuckboy is a very tricky species – it can inhabit its host as early on as birth, or, possibly later on in the host’s life. Very rarely is the host ever able to overcome the Fuckboy species. It is volatile and progressive. 10 in every 10 girls have either been exposed to, or were affected by the Fuckboy species. There is no actual cure; it’s like AIDS. That shit stays with you. Just one brief encounter, and you’re fucked. And not in a good way. There are, however, ways to nurse yourself back to health. After you’ve been quarantined for an unknown amount of hours, (hours may vary upon patient) watch some SATC with your best friends and or cat (if your life is sad like mine) and realize that the Fuckboy is just a bad moment in life, not a bad life, and realize you should love yourself before any boy because if you’re insecure as fuck and tell them that, you’re gonna be vulnerable. And no one deserves your vulnerability until they have proven to be worthy of it. But beware of them. They are proficient in lying and manipulation. We like to think that the species of woman has evolved to become smarter, and given said species a resistance to the Fuckboy, but sadly, scientists are still working on it. What makes the Fuckboy so dangerous is its ability to adapt in any situation, thus becoming the situation. The Fuckboy also camouflages itself to appear less volatile, which leads the female species under false pretenses in thinking that the Fuckboy is nice or different than the others. They are very good at this. But I beg you…please don’t be fooled. Their deception is on fucking point. You will believe that you are the only person he’s talking to or is interested in. He will lie and say things like how you’re different; I’m so comfortable around you; your head is amazing – be my girlfriend; I really like you; I don’t want you as a fuck buddy, I want you as something more eventually, and the list goes on and on and on. Fuckboys exist in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even give themselves nicknames. Gross. There is also a very high possibility that he will ghost you. That means if he’s not feelin’ it, he’ll just slowly stop talking to you and hope you get the hint, or just stop cold turkey. If he has any respect for himself and humanity, he will tell you what’s up. But even then, he’ll probably say something fucking dumb as fuck like and cliche like: It’s not you, it’s me; I’m just not ready to settle down yet; yeah, you’re nice and sweet but I want to fuck other people; you’re too good for me; I’m too fucked up and have too much going on; I want to focus on my career; you’re just not good enough for me; you’re too insecure; you’re not skinny enough for me, sorry. Some of those aren’t that cliche, and almost all of those things have been said to me, if that makes any girl out there feel better.

So, how do you weed out the Fuckboys from the good guys? Well fuck if I know. I’d say just don’t blow them on the first date, but even if you didn’t, that wouldn’t stop their Fuckboy-ness. I won’t curse the last Fuckboy I encountered. He wasn’t a Fuckboy at first, but, then again, isn’t that what they do…? Act like super sweet and pretend to like you and then hit you with a couple lines that make you feel like you’re pathetic and crazy for thinking they ever liked you in that way to begin with? Then they just become another number on the list, and another person you write about. Actually I was impressed with the last one, and I told him why. He really had me fooled. Either he lied the entire time, or he just realized later on that I wasn’t amazing enough for him to be with. That was what was said by the way: he alluded that he wasn’t really feeling it, or feeling just me anymore, so I was like you’re not the problem, apparently it’s me because you think I’m nice and sweet and my head game is decent, but I’m not an amazing enough girl for you to want to be with. And he replied with, I’m a jerk I know. Snaps and claps to you, Mr. F. I do wish him well, though. Like his personality was pretty cool. He was fucking weird and looked like a serial killer. Maybe that’s why I was into it… either way, moral of the story is…I’m not sure.

Just, be careful out there. The Fuckboy is a species that is developing all too quickly. I see them every day – strutting down the hallways at school, browsing by the polos or khaki shorts at work, even by the 1MX’s. THEY HAVE STARTED TO DRESS DIFFERENTLY. It used to be Ed Hardy shirts or gelled hair or sunglasses indoors. Unfortunately, the species has evolved. Just please, for the love of God, do not fall for their deception. It does take fucking//blowing a couple Fuckboys in order to find a sweet, nice guy. But wait… this is 2016 and I’m in my early 20’s. Fuck.


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