The Vagina Chronicals: Does X Mark the Spot?

Mia’s Vagina:

Firstly, no. I’m not talking about fucking a pirate; I’ve never fucked a pirate…unless you want to count Brad Stevenson at Stephanie Mason’s Halloween party back in 2013. Which, by the way, I still have nightmares. We were so drunk…

Anyway, so like, my confidence is super high, right? But sadly, Mia’s isn’t. I mean I don’t know what she’s so insecure about… She’s average height and slim. Her skin complexion is fairly decent except for the occasional breakout. What more could you ask for in life? As long as I’m pretty then that’s all that matters. I will say this though, if it looks good enough to eat, it probably isn’t. But luckily I was blessed *insert praying hands and hair flip emojis*. Storytelling isn’t really my thing because I have better things to do like maintain my figure, so I’ll cut to the chase. 

Unfortunately, Mia has a new boyfriend. I use the term boyfriend very loosely; he’s more of a short-term designated fuckboy. But why do I say unfortunately, you ask? Well, for one, I fucking love dick. But Mia is all like nooo I want to be in love blah blah blah. Fucking gag me. Actually, no, someone should literally fucking gag her – God knows the bitch needs it. But her boyfriend is a loser and he annoys me. You guys, his name is Bob. Fucking Bob! I shit you not! That’s almost as bad as Paul. His 16 year old trailer trash mom named him Bob (actually I think his parents live in Connecticut and his dad’s an investment banker and his mom’s a teacher. She didn’t really have him at 16 – I’m just being overdramatic). But anyway, it’s not even short for anything like the way Jesus intended. You think he died for our sins just so dumbass upper middle class white people could name their sons Bob?! Um. No. Wanna know another reason why I hate his penis and the douche attached to it? He. Fucking. Insulted. Me. Like, what? Excuse me, but, the last time I checked I was perfect and you weren’t circumcised (not that I have anything against that because, you know…Jesus and shit). But come on. Aesteically, it’s just not that pleasing. But whatever, I’ve been given the challenge before so it doesn’t bother me that much. 

We had sex with Bob for the first time last night. Despite my negative feelings towards him, I was excited because I was very sexually frustrated and Mia doesn’t masturbate *yawn; eye roll* so I was like cool. So like, I’m getting excited because he’s not too bad at foreplay like I expected him to be, and his hand movements are decent. The whole time I hear him complimenting Mia’s amazing body and I’m just bitter as fuck. Not literally…because I taste good. But like why can’t you compliment me? I’m amazing…

So he gets inside… And he does not make the sound that I’m used to hearing. Or the facial expressions I’m used to seeing. Every guy is different, I’m not an idiot, but like the slight moan or the heavy breath or either the stillness of the eyes looking at the person or their eyes closing briefly because it feels so good, he did none of that. NOTHING. And I take it very personally when a guy is fucking us and he doesn’t cum. Like, cum in me, cum on her face, cum on her tits, I really don’t care what you do to the bitch, as long as you cum. I know it’s silly to get upset about but shut up. So it lasted an excruciatingly painful 2 minutes. I think Mia may have thought that she liked it, but I didn’t. After 2 minutes, he gets off of her (she’s boring and doesn’t like to be on top), he shoves his dick in her face and says, suck me off, baby. I cringed. Gross. Not that I’m against blowjobs, but the way he said it was way too sleezy child-pornographer-like. Don’t ask how I know that. But that’s not even the sickest part…. 

This motherfucker had the fucking audacity 10 minutes after he tried to cum on her tits but fucking missed because he has bad aim so it was more like… on her stomach; on her chest; on her jawline, to text his friend and tell him that he missed Cindy and her ‘tight pussy’. Cindy is his motherfucking ex girlfriend. Literally. She probably fucked his mom. 

There are so many things wrong with that text. First off, Cindy is a stripper name. But not like the classy stripper that gets tipped in 10’s and 20’s. She’s like the truck stop stripper that old creepy men go to see when they’ve been on the road too long and they’re miserable with their fat, old, ugly wives. She wears a shiny green bikini that very poorly covers her c-section scar. Secondly, I’m fucking tight as fuck. His dick is too small and I’m not even saying that as like a petty thing: it kind of was really small. And like, I’m not defending her boring-ness, but Mia can get a bit prude. But she’s sweet. Not that that makes up for anything she lacks sex-wise but it’s worth a try. I am an amazing, independent vagina and I demand justice. Third of all, why are we talking about your ex? Do guys do that? Do they fuck their new prospect//girlfriend and then think that her pussy isn’t as bomb as the last one…? That’s not really fair. Poor Mia. Actually, poor me… I’m the one who gets screwed in this situation and ironically it’s not even in a literal sense. I’m a huge believer that it is very important to be sexually compatible in a relationship. If the guy’s an asshole, then, well, sometimes it’s those kinds of guys that are the best. Okay no. I have to focus. What I’m trying to say is….if you want something longer-term, they have to be right for you and your vagina in more ways than one. 

In the words of our gay best friend quoting someone from Mob Wives (I think): BobPaul could lick my motha fuckin’ pussy in fuckin’ Macy’s. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day; stay wet! 


Mia’s Vagina. 


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