For A Boy Who Doesn’t Care

She looks in the mirror – she sighs. It’s as good as it’s gonna get, she thinks. She fixes her eyeliner and applies her lipstick. Just as she’s about to leave, he texts her and tells her he’s too tired and asks if they can reschedule. She is severely disappointed; she hasn’t seen him in over a week. But she doesn’t let him know that because he’s been going through a lot. He’s good at keeping his word, but she can’t shake the feeling – the feeling that he doesn’t care that much. She’s not that worth it to him, and he’s proven it on more than one occasion. She keeps quiet, though, because there’s something about him; she likes him so much. She doesn’t know what it is. But alas, there lies the problem. She liked him more than he liked her. Unless he is just awful at showing it. But she examines the evidence: she’s tried so hard and has put so much effort into making him happy. And it’s not even in a way to make him like her – that’s just the kind of person she is. She could tell him everything that she liked about him, and his replies were those of gratitude, but they lacked depth, they lacked true appreciation of her soul. And they did not comply. She gets another text, hoping its him. It’s not. It’s a different guy. This guy has liked her in the past, but she’s only seen him as a friend. He asks if she wants to hang out. She thinks about it, considering she’s already dressed. But she’s already started tearing up from the prior cancellation; she’s already upset that she’s not good enough for him to think of her as something, someone important. So she ignores the other guy, and lays in her bed. She sobs. Her phone lights up, and she perks up – she thinks it’s him but it’s not. It’s snap chat. She looks at who snapped her. She rolls her eyes. It’s a guy she used to talk to, but she stopped because she felt like he wasn’t that into her anymore and he wasn’t making an effort. Ironic, right? She angrily opens the snap while yelling at what the hell he could possibly be sending her. It’s something pointless. She throws her phone. She’s annoyed. Why is he trying to talk to her again. She doesn’t care. She’s only interested in one guy. She doesn’t care about any other one. She wishes she did, sometimes. Because then maybe she wouldn’t feel as pathetic. Then he texts her. She looks at her phone through watered eyes and squints. He apologizes and wishes that she could sleep with him. She texts him back. She knows that he likes her somewhat, that he enjoys her company. But she feels upset. She has tried so hard. She really does care about him. And the funny thing is is that she is oblivious to the other guys who find her intriguing, and who think that she is worth more than anything. She is oblivious; he is also oblivious to the guys who think that about her. Rationally she knows she has the ability to attract other people, but she’s always so down on herself. She is understanding and she is naive. It’s been a couple months and this person has seeped in and become important to her. She wasn’t expecting him to at all. But it happened. And though her heart isn’t always pumping, it is made of gold. And if she finds someone that is worth putting in effort for, then they should feel happy. Because she’s considerate. And she pays attention. She listens. She actually cares. She wonders how many girls do that, but then she realizes that a lot of them do. She’s not the first girl to him to care. And it is disheartening that she won’t be the last. She prides herself on being different and thinks she can be significant. And to some, she is. To her ex boyfriend’s best friend, she is. To her friend, she is. To this person she went to high school with, she is. To the boys who don’t matter, she is. But to the one that matters to her, it remains a mystery. She thinks highly of him and lowly of herself. She assumes he is able to attract every beautiful girl, and those girls will be so much better than her in every aspect. And she will be forgotten. But maybe in order to be forgotten, you had to be memorable in the first place. And she clearly wasn’t to him. And no one has the heart to tell her that she is a complete, naive idiot. She’s smart, and she knows what she deserves. She knows that there are people who see her as someone that could be special. But she’s waiting and hoping, as girls so often do. She re-examines every encounter and gesture. Every time she showed genuine concern. Every time she tried to make him feel better. And where has it gotten her? Now she feels more alone than ever. 

This is for all the boys who will never care. And what makes it difficult for girls is that they know you’ll care about someone eventually. You’ll see them as this amazing person who is worth everything. But you couldn’t see her as that. And that is the saddest part, by far. 

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