Listening to Jhene Aiko’s ‘The Worst’ on repeat again doesn’t say much about myself. I want to say something:
Everything you’ve ever lived. Everything you’ve ever been upset about. Every heartbreak that you’ve ever experienced. Has all lead up to this exact moment in your life. Everything. Every downfall; every altercation; every fight; every suicide attempt. But you’re here. And you’re breathing. You have survived it all. Good job. Everything you thought you would NEVER be able to get through. You did it. Good for you, you badass motherfucker. I forgot what it was like to truly live through the worst pain that I had ever felt. And I remember thinking that since I got through that, nothing else meant shit. Everything else would be easy because, hello, I could get through anything. But how often it is that we forget things and become too cocky. No guy would ever have the chance to hurt me because I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to. And even if I did, so what? I didn’t know them for more than a month. Go ahead. Try and tell me you don’t like me. Bye. Life experiences and moments help us grow and realize how strong we are. We know what to expect, almost. But…just because you once went through something that you got through, doesn’t mean that it won’t be able to affect you again. It doesn’t really always take the hurt away. But it lets you know that you’ll be iight. I have spent a lot of time writing about my feelings and my insecurities and my downfalls and why guys don’t like me and blah blah blah. That’s kind of annoying. However there’s a reason why I have this public and not private. But I don’t think I’ll write about specific guys anymore. Unless they’re my friends. It is a waste of words. There will be no more, ‘so, I’m talking to this guy, and…’ Unless it’s a ridiculous experience physically, emotionally or in general. No. I’m not talking to this guy. That guy will text me when he’s drunk asking when we can hang out again. Disclaimer: I met him in October. We stopped ‘talking’ in October. And this was the person that said I was too insecure for them to date. No. It will be about me. Because I need to focus on myself. And I’ve realized something. There is absolutely no point in telling anyone that you are or could potentially be interested in your insecurities. If you just met them, do they deserve to know that you don’t like yourself? It gives them the upper-hand. Very few will actually listen, and not use it against you or whatever. But for the most part, if you show any sign of weakness, you’re done. Come to think of it, senior year I was such a bitch to my ex boyfriend when him and I were talking. But like that’s how I flirt and it’s part of my charm. I baked him brownies for his birthday and brought them to 1st period because we had that class together. When he walked in he came straight for my desk and I pushed the brownies toward him and said, ‘Here. Happy birthday.’ in my super monotone voice, seeming disinterested. No hug, no nothing. But it’s not like I was playing some kind of game – that’s just really how I was. I miss that about myself. I was like that until we became official. But even after, I still did. Maybe it was after I fell in love when it stopped. I can’t recall a time during that when I talked about my insecurities. This is going to sound horrible, but at the time, he just liked me so much, that even if I would ‘let my guard down’ or ‘show vulnerability’, he wouldn’t care because to him at the moment, I was this amazing person. Until I thought I wasn’t. There were times here and there when I was insecure and he could tell, but it didn’t matter. Until I made it matter. Hm. What an epiphany-like thought. I know a lot of things logically and rationally. But my mind is not that. Of course I know you shouldn’t hate yourself; you shouldn’t talk about your insecurities with guys you just met. I guess I am a mixture of honest and naive. Qualities that will never completely go away – I will just be smarter as to who I share them with.
I will never not be a sarcastic bitch. I will never not be cynical. I will never be upbeat and happy all the time. That doesn’t mean I will deliberately try to not be, but that is just who I am. And that’s okay. But I think it’s finally time to live, and not despise myself. I’ve said that so many times before. But… There are things that are so deeply embedded into your soul, that there is absolutely no way anyone would be able to help you but yourself. And believe me, it will follow you until you confront it. It will eat at you, it will get inside of your head, it will affect your relationships, it will affect yourself. And it won’t stop – it doesn’t matter who you have in your life: it is something that you need to fight on your own. It is so dark and hateful. But you are the only person with the light. It won’t be dark forever. The sun will rise and we will try again.
Thank you to the person that I’ve known for the past 6 months. You are a rare breed. You’re a great person to be with, and you’re a great friend. I will always appreciate you and how you helped. Unfortunately for you, you’re stuck with my friendship. *flips hair*
And to everyone in my life, thank you for constantly being the light that I needed. But now it’s time to be my own. Although I know you guys, and you’ll never stop. For that, I am grateful. I love you more than I will ever be able to write into beautiful words.
By the way, this isn’t a suicide letter. It kinda sounds like one but I totes promise that it’s not.