I know in my personal life with friends I have been terrible. Texting back is a simple thing to do and I’ve become so bad at it lately. And that is with everyone. There’s not really an excuse, but things aren’t exactly okay. Any of my friends who read this, I’d like to apologize. This post might sound like oh, woe is me. Actually that might be how most of mine sound like. Whatever. And I’m warning that it will be all over the place. I’m just writing it to get it out. Because I haven’t been myself.
Within the past few months, not only within my family, but with people I knows’ family or friends, there have been so many deaths. What was it, March or April was just plagued with sadness. Or maybe it was February. Whichever. In April, my grandpa died. He was the only one that was still alive besides my grandma, and we weren’t really, really close. But when I was at work, at that time, I had been the closing manager and I couldn’t have just left the store. Plus I’m awful at situations like that. But the co told me to go and that we’d get it covered. When I got into the hospital room and actually looked at him it was ridiculous. He was completely yellow everywhere from his liver failing and the cancer progressing. His eyes were towards the door, glazed over. He didn’t blink or move even though he was still alive. He was so skinny, even though I had just seen him 3-4 months prior when he looked completely fine. Laying in the hospital bed, he looked like a test dummy. Not to sound rude or crass, but he was so still and so sick. It was sad. That was the first time I ever saw someone die in front of me, and have someone die that was regularly involved in my life. I know he loved me very much. And I don’t talk about it for obscure reasons. I love him and I will always miss him.
My depression has checked in again – it has been prevalent for the last month or two. I can tell when I’m sad and I can tell when I’m depressed. When I’m depressed, I am numb to everything and everyone. It is to the point where I don’t want to leave my room or deal with the outside world, which is nothing to most people but it is how it is. I haven’t seen my therapist in a while because I don’t want to see her anymore: I want a different one. I miss my old one.
Tony is moving to Florida in less than a week. And that’s sad. Because once he goes, sure we’ll stay in contact, but it can’t be like how it was. And even though we were never officially together, I care about him a lot. And I really like him. I think he’s an amazing person. And whomever he ends up with is going to be extremely lucky, but unfortunately that’s not me. It never is.
The day before my birthday, Friday, I found out that my 4 month old niece had died. Since she had been born she’s never left the hospital. She had to have all these surgeries and tests to try and avoid her needing a heart transplant. But the day before, the doctor discussed with my brother the idea of putting her on the list. And on Friday morning at like 3 am, she went into cardiac arrest and there was nothing they could do. And I never even met her. And I have my own reservations about that with myself that I’m dealing with internally. I wish I could have met her at least once. But it was also hard because at one point, only 4 people could see her and you had to be on this list, just because she was always getting tests done or surgeries and was vulnerable to everything. I cannot even imagine what it would feel like to lose a child. My heart goes out to my brother and his wife, and he knows I love him very much and would do whatever I could for him. I just felt so bad for her; to live your life in a hospital not knowing what’s going on or why these weird people are doing what they’re doing…I love her so much, even though I’ve never met her, and she will always be in my heart.
I found out that one of my uncles has cancer. And I actually see this uncle pretty regularly. They’re not exactly sure, he’s getting a biopsy done, but they think that there’s no doubt that that’s what it is. My grandpa had a biopsy done, and a week later he was dead. It’s just sad.
My house is so chaotic. I love having my other brother here with my niece and his girlfriend, but now there are 5 dogs. 5 dogs, 1 toddler, and 5 adults. I’ll use adult loosely, though, because I don’t feel like one. My mom is the only person who keeps me sane, and I love her very much. But I worry about her.
I’m an empathetic person. Don’t you think I feel awful for even talking about my problems when there are so many people who have it worse? Don’t you think I feel so bad about being a bad friend?
I’ve been really battling my own insecurities lately more so than usual. I’m sure I’ll write all kinds of posts about that. But yeah. I feel so strongly about a certain thing, and I’m hoping for someone to prove me wrong. I wish I could prove myself wrong, but I can’t. Not anytime soon.
And I don’t expect any sympathy or reassurance. That’s not why I’m writing this.
It’s gonna take a while to repair things. I’m sorry.