Reap or Reward

“I got the first kiss, and she’ll get the last. She’s got the future and I got the past. I got the class ring, she got the diamond and wedding band. I got the boy, and she got the man.”

Those are song lyrics by a country singer named Jana Kramer. Which, by the way, are so very relevant to this post. In one of the posts that I wrote, fuck, like probably at least a year ago, I talk about how there are flaws in an ex boyfriend. Basically, you put all this time and effort into being with this person, right?  You know their good and their bad, what they’re capable of, what their weaknesses are. I talked about Shannon’s ex boyfriend, whose name was also Nick: how she dealt with his crazy bipolar disorder and his condescending, undermining attitude towards her. How he manipulated her. How they didn’t have a sex life, which, if you know Shannon, you know that’s not normal to not have a sex life. In the beginning of their breakup, they both agreed to try and be friends, but that shot to shit when he and his family acted fucking crazy. Anyway, before that, they were talking and apparently he had moved out of his parents’ house and was finally becoming independent. She wasn’t happy in their 2 year relationship. But when he told her this, she was of course happy for him, but: “What the fuck, why couldn’t he have done this when we were together?” She said.

This was over a year and a half ago. So when she and I had that discussion, it got me thinking about my situation with my ex boyfriend, Nick. About how when he got out of our relationship, he would be able to further progress with his life and future prospects. Which only proved my point when I read something of his after we stopped talking for good, or maybe it was right before, I don’t know. But it said how he wouldn’t be afraid to fall in love this time or he wouldn’t hold back. Just stuff like that. When he moved he started living his dream, which I always knew he was capable of doing. I was there with him building up to that and through all the steps that it took to get there. I edited his essays and cover letters because his grammar was atrocious. And now that he has Colleen 2.0, I’m sure that’s true. So of course I was frustrated because it wasn’t like that with him and me. How is it fair that another girl gets the reward of this even more amazing guy? He wasn’t always like that, honey, trust me. That’s what we think. But at the same time, we have to realize that that’s how life works. We meet people at different times in our lives. But I also think that’s what makes it so difficult to get over someone that you spent a good portion of your life with. Especially during transitional periods because it’s like they were there with you through every fucking thing. You helped them and they helped you. Where you are today, emotional wise, career wise, or anything wise, I’m sure they were apart of you getting there. But that’s just how it goes. One woman’s first love is another woman’s last love. Sometimes we earn the rewards that come with dating someone new. And sometimes, we reap the difficulties that come with it. Either way, everyone learns something from their last relationship, whatever it may be.

I don’t think we’re ever really aware of how badly damaged we become after we’ve gotten out of a relationship, though. Some people walk out fine without a scratch. Others bear the emotional scars for the rest of their life. Shannon was livid because I called her crying a few weeks ago, not because I was crying, but because she knows that despite my indifference towards my last relationship and the person I shared it with, it fucked me up. She called my mom and expressed how much she disliked Nick for making me how I am. And by that, I mean assuming I’m not really worth anyone’s time or capable of being loved by someone who thinks I’m great for who I really am.
Now, it is my belief that however hurt you were from your last relationship, that fades away, but if you’re dating someone, they have to bear the emotional damage that the last person caused. When Shannon first started dating Sean, she was very cautious to make sure to not overstep her boundaries with him or his family because Nick and his family were manipulative assholes. Even now I know with certain situations it’s still difficult for her. And that’s what happens. And it doesn’t only pertain to women. I’ve known guys that are so badly damaged from previous relationships and that carries over into the new romantic life that they want to establish with someone, and the girl just can’t handle it. There was this guy I once talked to that was super insecure but like annoying about it and got angry over shit and took everything I said the wrong way or as if I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, and eventually I didn’t. And it was a rude awakening for me because I know I had been doing the same thing with previous guys. Maybe not that extreme, but still. And it’s not fun. HOWEVER, I think that if someone is worth working on whatever they need to for, then go for it. Everyone’s different.