A Letter to Myself and Anyone Else

It was what it was, therefore, now it is what it is.

What an interesting thought to think that everything that’s happened or that we’ve done//experienced has lead up to this exact moment. Who we were and what we were doing 3 years ago is completely different now. Of course I believe that everything happens for a reason, and what’s meant to be will be. Every person that we’ve had relationships with or any kind of ties to has taught us something and has been a crucial part of what is now our life. Good or bad, their presence taught us something about life and about who we are. Think back to this time, 3 years ago. What were you doing? Who were you with? What happened? Are things drastically different? Why? It’s fucking crazy to think about if you really think about it in depth. Do you miss who you were? Do you miss the people you were around? Are you in a better mental state now as opposed to back then? Are you better off without that person in your life? Was that the right decision? Have you made the right choices? Who do you have in your life now? Do you compare situations? Do you compare people? Do you regret anything? Have you amounted to something by now? Sometimes it’s so hard to remember the people you were with and that were once in your life. You question how you could’ve even been with them – not in the sense that you didn’t love them, but who they are as of late is not who they were, and who you are is not who you were. A very common concept that mind fucks the shit out of you: like, without lube and a good pep talk. Time spent with those people was never time wasted, though. You learned a lot about yourself, didn’t you? You learned what you want, and what you don’t want. And their actions of deceit and melancholy don’t determine who you are and were as a person. 3 years ago life was so much different, wasn’t it? You were possibly more naive, possibly more ignorant, possibly more desired, possibly more forbearing. You might be in situations now that you never thought were possible.
Let me tell you something, this is what happens in real life:
You become broken by something or someone, you heal partially, you move on with life. Despite what Nicholas Sparks writes and the copious amount of romantic comedies suggest, no one is going to stick around forever trying to fix what someone else broke. You’re so closed off, and they can only do so much. You start to think, fuck: maybe I really was the problem the entire time. You question your morale and you question yourself. And even though you’re smarter now, perhaps that intelligence seeps its way from your brain and into your heart a little too much. You retract; a small part of you, as much as you want it to be open, will be closed until further notice. Some people are more than willing to wait until the grand reopening, while others would like to pry it open and fix it up themselves. And then there are those who see that you’re closed therefore they go somewhere else – somewhere that has less property damage.

And then if they decide to stay, you’re grateful; you appreciate them. But your mindset must not be too different than it was 3 years ago. You have patterns, terrible patterns. You’re aware of it, but do nothing. You itch for something to plummet just so you can spiral down into your familiar pattern. You anticipate the minutes, hours, days until it ruptures. And if there was nothing to make it shake, you kick it. You kick it hard until it explodes, until he explodes and cannot take the exhaustion. He tried so hard. He tried so hard to make you happy and comfort you and reassure you. And you believed him, you really did. You saw something with him, and he thought the same. But the self-doubt and question of self-worth seeps in and pollutes what the both of you had just grown together. Fuck. Was it for nothing? Was it inevitable, or was it your self-fulfilling prophecy? In which case, what have you learned from the past 2 years? Have you learned nothing? It won’t go on forever, I’m sure. You’re still in progress, and that’s okay. And maybe one day there will be a possible chance that you’re not actually as awful as you think you are.

So how different are you really?


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