New Girlfriends & Ex Girlfriends

I wanted to write about this because I think it’s really funny and something that EVERY girl does, but we don’t like to admit it because it makes us seem crazy as fuck. I want everyone to know right now: never underestimate a woman’s ability to find shit out. We’re like better than the FBI sometimes, no joke. Our lurking game is on point.

So, when I first found out about Colleen 2.0, I’m not gonna lie, of course I stalked her on whatever form of social media I could that wasn’t totally private. And, of course, my best friends stalked her as well. And being my best friends, OF COURSE they’re going to be like, “Oh my God Colleen, you’re so much prettier. She’s cute but she’s not an upgrade…and her hair looks fake. No one can compare to Colleen OG.”  And when all that was going down, I had a thought: well, being the new girlfriend, what if she stalked me, the ex girlfriend? And I just imagined her with her best friends going through whatever form of social media of mine that would allow them to because most of my shit is private. And her best friends being like, “Oh my God Colleen…ew, no. You’re so much prettier. Clearly you’re the upgrade, look at how dark her eye makeup is. Her hair looks too light to be red. What was he thinking? You’re obviously the better Colleen.”

Thinking about that didn’t make me feel bad at all; I found it to be very humorous because it’s something that I’ve been on both ends of. When I was first single after like 5 months and trying to put myself ‘out there’, there was this guy that I thought I could possibly see myself with. So of course I stalked his Facebook and Twitter and found pictures of his ex. I was like, wow she’s really fucking pretty. And I showed my best friends, and do you want to know what their responses were? Disclaimer: my 4 main best friends are all different. They won’t hesitate to tell me the truth whatsoever; if she’s cute they’ll tell me. But if they don’t think she’s pretty, well…
“Colleen, are you fucking serious? Look at her and look at you. Obviously you’re an upgrade. Look at her big ass forehead. Plus she looks like she has no tits. The fuck?”

Everyone reading this, don’t roll your eyes, because you know this shit goes down no matter how old we are. It’s just apart of our nature. And as far as the opposite sex goes, I’ve only met a few guys who said that they openly stalked the girls that they talked to like that. I respected their honesty, but I think for the most part guys don’t give a fuck about what a potential prospect’s ex boyfriend looks like. And not gonna lie, I used to like dwell on how pretty a guy’s ex girlfriend was. But what the fuck good does that do? If he’s in his mid to late 20’s, he’s probably had quite a few ex girlfriends. Obviously they’re an ex for a reason. I was Nick’s first girlfriend ever so lucky for me I never had to like…subconsciously compete with anyone in a sense, you know? So when I met guys that had multiple ex girlfriends, I was like, oh shit yeah. I’m an adult now, this is what happens.  As I’ve said before and continue to say: new girlfriends stalk ex girlfriends, ex girlfriends stalk new girlfriends; it’s the circle of relationship life. All we can do is hope that we give better blowjobs than their ex girlfriends or new girlfriends.

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