Dick Pics

Dick Pics

Who remembers when the struggle was too real and ‘dick pics’ weren’t a thing yet and what you had to do was try your best to describe the guy’s dick to your best friends? Hm. Maybe they weren’t a real thing because I was like… 15 at the time. And I remember when my best friend (at the time) sent this guy a picture of her in her underwear, waist down, nothing else, I was like ‘oh my god’. And then I remember the pictures she used to get of a guy with just his shirt off, and we thought that was so risqué. Hahahahaha.

Oh, adolescence.

Anyway. My very first boyfriend ever that I don’t even count as a relationship because we dated for a month: he was my first kiss, make out, and handjob. Again, this was when I was 15. I honestly can’t remember if he ever sent me a dick pic or not. But, you guys, let me tell you: I’m honestly surprised his penis didn’t scar me for life. He was white, I think like Italian and Irish or some shit. Therefore, in the summer he was able to tan, and even during the winter his skin tone wasn’t as pale as mine. So, how the fuck, was his penis like… A purplish color?! ALSO… It was crooked. And no, I’m not talking about a slight curve. Or curvature of any kind. Because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized every penis is different. I mean it was so bad that my friends called him Captain Hook. Like… Candy cane shaped. Except, it’s not as pretty and when you put it in your mouth it doesn’t bring you senses of joy and Christmastime.

And I’ll never forget the time he came to pick me up from school and my friends met him and everything. McDonald’s was like the cool hangout spot, so we all went there. Shannon picked up a fry, and it was kind of bent and falling apart, and she looks at, holds it up, looks at me and we just start cracking the fuck up. Granted, I know it was childish and shit, but we were 15. Also, every girl has an ideal penis. And they should never settle for anything less. I wouldn’t date someone that didn’t have a flesh colored dick. Ew. But yeah. I can’t remember if he ever sent me dick pics or not. All I know is that after him and I broke up, he gave a guy head, swallowed, and called my ex gay best friend Sergio on the phone and left him a voicemail of him jagging off and cumming while moaning his name. Wait. Yes. I think he did send me a dick pic. I was like wtf am I supposed to do with this?!

The guy/girl mentality on getting nudes is hilarious and somewhat vastly different. I, myself, love and appreciate dick pics. However, I don’t sit there staring at them while fingering myself. I more so think about the guy and what he’d do to me. And what he’d do with it. But I feel like sometimes guys will actually stare at the pictures you give them, and masturbate. I mean, hey, it’s a huge compliment to me, so, thanks! But for the record: I’m not going to stare at my phone at a picture of your penis while I masturbate. Are we in the fucking stone age? Um. No. Even in person: do you think I’d just want to stare at your dick and not do anything about it? Try again. It’s hilarious when a guy sends you a shirtless picture and hes like: “You like that baby? You gonna use that later? ;)” IN THAT EXACT WAY, WINKY FACE AND EVERYTHING! I HATE THE WINKY FACE. GAG ME. You got me fucked up and most certainly not in a good way if you think I’m ‘gonna use that later ;)’.

And then you have the guys whose dick isn’t even all that or that pretty, but they think it’s God’s gift to women. LOL okay. You open your snap chat, and you see this . . . thing that resembles, fucking, Jabba the Hutt. It is easily the biggest let down of your week. Prior to that, they get you all psyched up…(but being a woman, we have to take what most men say with a grain of salt) and then you see . . . that. He didn’t even need to put it on 5 seconds because you couldn’t get past 2. And trust me, I’ve been in those situations where I’ve just really had to push through and psyche myself up to tell this guy how much I love his penis. Now, don’t get me wrong: if I actually like him, that’s different and more disappointing than not. But if he’s just a random guy off tinder sending me dick pics, why not. Let’s feed into his ego for a night. And don’t judge me for saying that. We all do it from time to time, and it most certainly makes for a good story later *cough cough*.

In conclusion, I myself appreciate dick pics. I know that some girls don’t because they’d rather have the real thing (fucking duh), or other girls just get grossed out by it (eye roll). And of course if his penis is pretty, then that’s just a plus. And ladies, I’ve said it more than once and I’ll say it ’til the fucking day that I die: NEVER SETTLE FOR A MEDIOCRE DICK! I used to think that just meant looks wise, but it’s not limited to that. If he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a miserable bad sex-ridden marriage while you masturbate to thoughts of the gardener and your husband is totally oblivious to your unhappiness and lack of sexual interest in him?! That is not the kind of life that I’d want to live.


2 thoughts on “Dick Pics

  1. I am so glad I’m not a your age Colleen. Nothing personal but randomly getting photos of penis is pretty gross. I can’t believe thats a thing! ❤ You! 🙂

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