Know Your Worth

“Boys don’t fall in love with sad girls.”

My best friend used to tell me that no guy would want me if I looked and acted depressed. This was… In our earlier years of high school probably. And then I met Nick. And then we broke up. And then I found this quote on Tumblr that said: but boys don’t fall in love with sad girls. And it was true. He couldn’t fall in love with me the way I wanted him to. Or needed him to. 

There was a guy I had a brief encounter with. And I mean, like, brief. Like a week or two. He said it wouldn’t work out because our personalities are too different. And how he’s an aggressive person and needs someone who can be confident and not as insecure. I also got the feeling that the fact that I wasn’t gonna have sex with him right away played into it. Normally, I expect things like this to happen with guys whether I see it to be more serious or more casual. But this one somehow struck home because I mean, it’s true. Not the having sex part right away; I’m not gonna fuck a guy to get him to keep talking to me. I’m not that fucking desperate, nor am I that insecure. We’ve all been there though, right?Anyway, the part about my insecurities. I talked about this with my mom and she’s right. Even if you’re insecure, tell someone else if you have to, but not the guy you’re talking to because then he’ll think you’re needy or clingy or feel like you’ll always need reassurance. The one guy who actually liked me or was interested in me, for me, and I didn’t even have to try was my best friend’s best friend. And I was too dumb to realize that he could’ve been more than just a friend. He’s so happy in love with his current girlfriend and they are the cutest fucking thing. He’s so deserving of someone amazing and he found her. I’m so happy for him. But I remember my best friend was like, ‘you don’t want to date her, she’s so insecure and thinks she’s fat’ and he’s like I don’t care, that doesn’t matter. 

He’s still a nice guy and an amazing friend. 

Anyway. What that guy said just really struck something in me because I wonder just how many things I’ve sabotaged due to my overall insecurities. I mean… They ended my three year relationship, essentially. So…that’s a thing. 

And of course your friends are inclined to be like ‘what a douchebag’ ‘it’s his loss’. But like….is it though…..?

I know my worth, and what I deserve. But somehow that doesn’t translate well with the male species. I’m not quite sure how to explain it. Like in hindsight I know what I deserve and I know I’m an amazing person. But when I’m talking to a guy that I’m seemingly interested in, my inclination is to talk about blowjobs and my insecurities. Like, really….come on Colleen, get it the fuck together. You think that’s gonna attract someone you want to end up being with? Fuck no. 

I already know what I’m doing and that’s seeking approval from guys for the validation that I’m pretty or good enough. But what’s the point of anything if I don’t think I’m good enough for myself?

I took a break from the whole trying to find someone thing. However, I’m still insecure. So let me take a step back, a real one, and find myself before looking for anyone else. Start a relationship with myself before someone else. Remember guys… Know your worth. 

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