So, I promised myself I wouldn’t write about this in my blog because there was no point. Why would I give this person the satisfaction? But then I thought about the journey I had gone through and all the progress that was made. Everyone who follows this blog has been along for the ride – through the ups and downs of my past relationship. I can’t just never talk about it again. I don’t want to keep it a secret necessarily because I’ve known that my blog is very public. And it’s that way for a reason. Maybe others are going through a similar situation?
You guys have seen my posts about being heartbroken. And you’ve seen my posts about being content and coming to terms with it. You’ve seen the confusion and turmoil both my heart and head went through when my ex said he wanted me back. I was so confused and sad. How could I get back together with the person who had literally broken me? He broke my heart… My first love and first heartbreak. That shit is no joke. Anyway. He was so persistent about it – even though he knew I was talking to someone. He did what he wanted and what was convenient and came back and fucked up my world again. He moved to LA for school and decided to stay out there once he got a job. He did, and he’s doing very well for himself, as I knew he would. And even to this day, no matter what, I know he’s going to do great things. But for the past month or two, trying to move on from him was hard. He was always in the back of my mind. So I thought I could take him up on his offer that he’s said since before he left. Even in June he said for me to come out there. I specifically remember asking what happens if one of us gets into a relationship or is talking to someone. And his reaction//response was more of a ‘so what, we’re friends’. I had told him in July that it would be best if we didn’t talk for a while because it was too hard for me because I found myself wanting him back for both right and wrong reasons.
Before texting him the final time, I came across something he’d written about wanting a girlfriend. I knew right then it had nothing to do with me. However, I was hurt because the things he’d said were what we did or what I would do for him. And it ate me up inside thinking that the next girl he dates will get to have all of him – all of which I never could because he was ‘too scared’. I started to wonder how that was fair. I texted him a few days later asking if the offer to visit him still stood. I thought If I visited him for a few days, maybe that would give me some form of clarity. His response… I want to say that is not the guy I fell in love with. But to be honest, love really is blind. And thinking back on certain situations and scenarios, they were fucked up. How he handled some things was wrong.
I’m not going to put what he said verbatim. But he pretty much said he was too busy moving on with ‘every aspect’ of his life. And we should keep going our separate ways for now. There were some other things, but that was the gist.
I knew right then what that meant: that meant that there was a girl. A girl who is probably great.
I was more hurt than anything. Because… How dare he. How dare he say that to me, when a few months ago he was begging me to get back together with him. How dare he come back into my life and have no regards for anything or any of my progress. Once again, convenience. I soon then realized that I was most likely a security blanket. He was scared he wouldn’t make it in LA. And if he didn’t, at least he’d have some form of comfort back home. But now that he’s settled in and doing well for himself, he doesn’t need me. You’re moving on? Okay. What about all the shit you told me in the letters you wrote me. Everything you said. You know what you said. And now that you’re all good out there, I’m just nothing – you don’t need me for anything anymore.
I really thought my first love was the beginning of my world. How little I knew when my first heartbreak came around, and then I thought it was the end. I thought our love was everything. I thought you were everything. But we both grew up I guess.
If you ever read this, I truly hope you’re happy. And that she makes you happy. Of course it hurts, and it’s hard to think about. It will be for a while. But it’ll be okay. I hope she’s everything you’ve always wanted and gives you everything you deserve.
Okay. It’s late. That’s all for now. I’m sure I’ll write more later.