“If Anyone Asks”

If anyone asks, I’m perfectly fine. Words cannot describe the happiness and joy I feel towards everyone in my life: my best friends are happy in love, or graduating college. My family is doing well and totally functional. I meet people and they love me right away, especially guys. You would not believe how many guys I have lined up, it’s just ridiculous. And no guy has ever been disinterested in me or moved on to another girl. Nick, especially. I broke up with him because he was too in love with me…it kind of became unbearable. Oh, and I’ve gotten accepted into all the universities I’ve applied to! I can’t wait to be at one of them in the fall! That’ll be the hardest part…choosing.

If anyone asks, I’m totally okay. I love being single and on my own. I can sleep around, do whatever I want, and be whomever I want. It’s my choice to be single, really. I just feel like I can’t tie myself down and commit to one person, you know? I’ve also started working at this fabulous job so I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Nope. I’m so happy living vicariously through my non-single friends; that’s good enough for me. Oh, and I also lost 20 pounds! I feel so amazing about myself it’s crazy. I couldn’t be more confident! I’m finally, blissfully happy. 

If anyone asks, don’t tell them that I’m not blissfully happy. I haven’t lost 20 pounds and I still dislike myself. Guys aren’t lined up to date me, and they’ve certainly moved on to better girls. Nick broke up with me because I was too in love with him and not with myself. I still don’t love my body, I still wish I could be stick skinny. I feel like I’m not capable of being happy or I’m not deserving of finding an amazing fucking guy. I had one, but is it possible to find another? It’s not my fault he ended it. These thoughts still haunt me and I feel confused and hurt. I don’t love being single, but I don’t hate it. However it gets lonely and makes me feel like shit. Which in turn I feel worse about for feeling like I need someone. I’m currently not working and I’ve only heard back from one university so far. My family is going through some hard shit, and no, I’m not perfectly fine. But if anyone asks…

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