I Can’t Sleep, Naturally

It’s 7 am and I can’t fall back to sleep – I’m starting to think my cat is legit bulimic: almost every time he eats, he throws up. Anyway, that’s what happened and his gagging woke me up, so, I cleaned it and now I’m awake. Contemplating life and shit. I’ll keep this post short and possibly slightly pointless depending on your viewpoints. I’m not really sure what the point is, maybe it’s just to rant. Anyway. I truly and honestly believe in my heart and soul that every single person on this earth deserves to be happy, and deserves to find someone that they love; that can touch not only them but their soul in such a way that no one else can or has never done before. I feel that every single fucking person deserves that. I mean, fuck, even Charles Manson got married in jail. And she’s only like a few years older than me I believe. Maybe I’m wrong. But she’s significantly younger than him. And for worshipping a mass murderer, she’s decently pretty; very 60’s-70’s inspired look to her. Anyway. I feel this way for everyone. But the only person I don’t think will find that, is myself. How fucked, right. How is that fair. It makes me question if things don’t work out with people because I am supposed to be with Nick? Is it that selfish of me to want to find love again in a place that’s not familiar? To want to love someone who can tell me exactly how they feel when they feel it? Am I the bad guy because he has put up his heart and feelings on a silver platter, and I feel it’s too tainted to consume? It was perfectly fine at a point, more than fine. But after he broke up with me, that shit expired. Is it that selfish of me to want something different for myself? But then that makes me feel bad. Like I should just go back because he finally realizes he fucked up. But how is that fair to me. Will it be like Carrie and Big and Carrie and aiden? Carrie finds Aiden and they fall in love, but it’s never quite the same as it was with Mr. Big. 

Does anyone else feel that way with their exes? Like, they’re the one that broke you – you were devestated for months. And then they realize they made a mistake, but by then it was too late? They missed you and want you back. But you’ve moved on into your own person, and don’t need them anymore. But you know they still want you. What do you do? Settle just because it’s familiar and convinient? No. How is that fair to either of you? It’s not. But what if they eventually move on to someone better. And you’re still stuck. With yourself. While everyone around you moves on. And being with yourself is a great thing, don’t get me wrong. But you can’t deny that being in love is also a great thing. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. 


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