Life Is All Too Real

Do you ever feel like it’s just one thing after another? Like the universe is working against you, and only you, while everyone else in the world goes on about their merry lives?

Some family shit has gone down recently that I didn’t think would happen – that none of us were expecting. And I feel awful because it’s this huge burden on my mom. And due to the recent unfortunate events, it’s only going to make things harder. 

On a side note. I know I talk a lot about my feelings on here. So much so, that you all probably want to bash my head in with a brick. Sorry for that, but then again, I’m sure something in here is relatable. 

Something weird happened today. It was a beautiful day today. Naturally, I had my windows open and I was in my room masturbating, just a normal day. But after I finished, literally I immediately started to cry. Not like a good cry where it felt that good. Like a sad cry. Which has never happened before. I mean, yeah, I’ve cried waaaaay too many times to count. But never after that. It was so weird. Being in my room with the window opened because it was nice out I guess reminded me of last spring//early summer. How heartbroken I was. How lonely I felt. How much I loved this person, who didn’t want to be with me anymore. It was all too real. I’m not heartbroken necessarily anymore. But I feel lonely. While everyone around me are moving, I’m standing still. While some of my best friends are venturing out into new relationships with people they’re in love with, I have no one that wants me. My ex boyfriend wants me. Is that who I’m destined to be with? Because forgive me for sounding like a selfish cunt, but I want to experience what it’s like to be mutually in love. That new love. That second love. And even though I might regret saying this, I think he should experience it too. I know that if we were to get back together any time soon I don’t think I’d be happy. I’d feel like I was missing out on something. And I know neither of us want that. And I know it always sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself. And I probably am. But why not me? Is it because I seemingly need to have someone to be with to validate my self-worth? How shitty. Because I don’t like myself, I need approval from another person? Like, what? I need to be completely and utterly happy with myself before ever being in love again? I need to be single for a certain amount of time? In the events in my life and my friends’ lives currently, there’s a vast difference. One of my best friends is in a new relationship. And she’s so happy in love, and I couldn’t be happier for her. But I feel like the world’s shittiest friend because I have like this bitterness and jealousy almost. And that’s not fair. She was with someone for 2 years, wanted to marry the kid, but he was way too sheltered and dependent on his family’s approval. In the big scheme of things, he was a dick. They broke up in October. She met her new boyfriend like a month or two later. And she’s so happy. And he seems like a nice kid. She deserves to be with someone who treats her well and who can be unapologetically in love with her and everything she does. She has the right to talk about him nonstop for now, because it’s still new. But what kind of piece of shit friend am I for wondering if that’s over for me? If Nick is the only one for me? If I’ll never get to experience someone who’s in love with me. Who tells me. Someone who makes me happy and never question if Nick was the only one for me. Someone who would want to talk about a future with me. Is he all I deserve? And I don’t mean to put it like that. It’s just… Him and I both know the situation. He knows what he did. And he knows how I feel about it. And how difficult it’d be for me to let him back in. I must sound so fucking selfish. I can’t even take myself right now. 

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