I’m so annoyed. All I ever do is complain, I know. But my life is a mess at the moment. School is annoying, I need to find work because I need money. And I have an ex boyfriend that makes me feel like shit for not wanting to get back together. I know it’s not intentional, by any means. But with any guy I’ve talked to…it’s like I wasn’t good enough for them to want to date me, or I wasn’t good enough for them to want to continue talking to me. And lately I’ve been giving guys advice on their ex girlfriends because they’re upset or heartbroken. I’m more than happy to help…but is that all I’ll ever be to someone? Or just convenient for someone until they meet the right girl? That’s not fair. Just today I was having a great conversation with someone. He was really cute, had the same interests in me regarding gothic literature, that kind of thing, and the proceeded to tell me that the conversation became awkward because he’s really skinny, and he’s not that shallow, but I was ‘too big’ for him to still talk to me. Like…alright? And people WONDER why I ask guys, sober or drunk, if they’re that asshole who only likes one kind of girl. I should’t call them assholes – that’s ignorant. People have their preferences; I know I have mine. But you get what I mean. It’s just frustrating. And with Nick…Nick. I don’t even know what to say about it anymore. I’ll always love him so deeply. He’ll always be apart of me, and I him. But he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what I’m talking about when I say that he only likes to do things that are convenient for him. He wanted to break up to experience life. And blah blah blah. And now he says he did it because it was what was best for us, even though it was the hardest thing. I get that. We did need it. I needed it. But I’m at this point in my life where I feel we should both do things for us. While I was upset for 9 months, he was living his life. And when I finally became okay with it, he was upset. I haven’t really lived my life without him in it. Whether it’s him as my boyfriend, crying over him, thinking about him, being too heartbroken, or whatever the fuck. I’m just sick of everyone in my ear telling me what I should do. I need to do what I need to do for me.
I’m just a stepping stone for guys.
It’s important to me to be able to fall in love with someone, and know that they fell in love with me, too, at the same time. To feel it and say it around the same time as me. No one seems to get that.