Sometimes

Sometimes I miss you a lot.
Since you’ve walked back into my life, if that’s what you want to call it, I’ve asked myself multiple times if I have it in me to fall in love with you… But it would be different than it was.
How would it be to fall in love with someone, knowing they’re falling in love with you right back? I’ve never experienced that… The mutuality of it.
I think about whether we’re meant to be together. I think about what our daughter would look like if we had one. I never thought we’d make good looking spawn. But could you imagine if she were to have your curly hair, with my color red.
I think about knowing that you’d work so hard to give me the life I always wanted. And how not many people would do that.
I think about how my body, all of me, was once yours. But I’ve come to reclaim it over the past 9 months.
Could it ever be yours again? Am I capable of letting you back into my heart? You’ll always be there. But being there and living there are different.
I think about us being the cool, unconventional parents.
I think about the kind of man you’ll come to be, and the kind of father you’ll get to be.
I know you’d be an amazing husband and father. But whether or not I get to witness that firsthand is unwritten.
First loves aren’t supposed to be your last love. What about all the quotes and sayings I’ve read this past year? What about second loves?
Would you be able to make amends with me? My heart? My family and friends?
I don’t know.

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