It’s Like a Break Up all Over Again

I haven’t written anything for a while. A lot has happened in the month of January that I was in no way anticipating. My ex boyfriend texted me at the beginning of the month and said that he wanted to meet up to be friends. At this point in time, I was talking to someone I really liked. Oh my god you guys, this person was gorgeous. He was like my dream guy looks wise. He was also very sweet and humble and wholesome and just great overall. His beard is perfection, he’s tall, he has dark hair, and he wears flannel 😍
He was perfect.
Even though him and I aren’t talking anymore, he’s significant in the fact that I could’ve actually seen myself dating him. The first guy since Nick that I really liked. I fall in like way too easily, I’ve come to realize.
Anyway. So when Nick texted me that, it was a pleasant surprise, because I knew he was moving to LA and I expected to never hear from him again.
To make a very long, sad story short, he wanted me back. That’s every girl’s dream, right? To have the person who break their heart come crawling back and realized they made a huge mistake.
I had wanted that moment for so long. And I finally got it.
A part of me wanted so badly to be with him again, to see how we were as the new people we are. But there was something about it that didn’t sit right with me. It wasn’t just about the fact that he’s leaving in 2 months. And the fact that if we continued after those two months, we’d be long distance. He came back with all the things I wish he would’ve said when we were together. But it sucks because it’s too little too late. It pains me to say that. It’s like the roles are completely reversed from where they were. I should feel happy about that. I should feel empowered. But I don’t. After yesterday’s long conversation, I feel like we broke up for the second time. Well. Technically 4th.
I’m annoyed at the world today. I have to go downtown for an appointment. And this snow is bullshit. It’s one of those days where you don’t want to deal with anyone. Especially on a crowded bus or train. Here’s hoping I don’t go off on anyone today.
There’s so much more to fucking say. So many little details. But I’m tired of talking about this. I’ve been talking about it for three weeks. Inside my head, outside in the world. And I can’t anymore. I’m pissed. One of the reasons why I didn’t want to go back was to avoid the feeling that I had when we first broke up. And… Look at that. I feel it again. Fucking angry. Mad. Tired. Sad. Distraught. Everything.

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