The Realization

Every girl deserves someone that can be unapologetically in love with her; everyone deserves that. And it’s alright to make jokes here and there. But when it comes down to it, whether he’s alone with you or in a room full of people, he can look you in your eyes, really look into your soul, and say: ‘I am so ridiculously in love with you’. Without hesitation. Without any awkward glances around the room. Without fidgeting and pulling at the loose thread on his shirt.
It’s not even a thought in his mind to question his love for you. And when someone asks about you to him, he won’t sigh or seem disappointed. He won’t get mad when someone asks if you guys would ever get married. He won’t ignore his mom when she comments on having grandchildren.

I’ll give credit where credit is due. You never sighed when someone asked about me. Not to my knowledge, anyway. You loathed the idea of any type of future plan with me, though. And I get it. You’re young. I am too. But you could never quite tell me you were in love with me. I always thought it was for reasons not unknown, but maybe it was you…with me.
For months I’ve gone back and forth blaming myself and being upset that I was the demise, the downfall. But… I think I loved you more than you loved me. That’s a sad realization.
I know you loved me; you loved me deeply. You were amazing. But I guess the one thing I so desperately wanted, even needed to have, to hear, was what you couldn’t give me.
I don’t doubt that you loved me. You loved mostly all of me. And my body. And I was in love with you. So ridiculously in love with you. But, the feeling wasn’t mutual.
So, someday soon, not all my posts will be consumed with words of you. Not all my words will be put together by thoughts of you.
Clearly, I just wasn’t the one for you. And that’s okay. You’ll find her sooner or later. And it’ll hurt and be sad, but it’ll be okay. I hope you can be ridiculously, unapologetically in love with her like you couldn’t with me. I truly believe you’ll have that: ‘Aha Moment’ one day, and look into her eyes and tell her. A moment I so desperately wanted with you, but never got. Actions speak volumes. Words will only do so much. Your actions showed you felt that way about me. But I guess I was greedy and needed to hear it, too.
I know there will come a day when someone can do that, be that for me.
I knew a while ago that this was the best thing that could happen to us. But what does that say – for me to write about you. For me to put these thoughts together and form sentences about how you’ve made me feel. And you are fine. You walked away like it was nothing. What does that say? That I’m pathetic? Probably. That I’m annoying? Definitely. But you washed your hands of me, as if I was just three years worth of dirt on your palms that you finally got rid of.
Thanks for the life lesson, though. My first love was almost too great to be a first love.
But I’m confident my second love will be that much better, whenever that time comes. So thank you for helping me realize what was wrong, what I want, and didn’t want.


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