Complex Oddities

I have a terribly odd complex. It’s really a problem, actually. Like, a fucked up problem. Feeling unwanted and unloveable and undesired is one of the worst feelings ever. And at the risk of sounding absolutely and irritatingly over dramatic, it’s a feeling I seem to know a lot lately.
There has to be a scientific term for what I do. But the phrase I’ve come to describe it as is emotional masochism. When you’re so used to being upset or things not going right, it’s really fucking weird when things are going well and you’re happy. Wait. Happiness…. Like, what?
The unfamiliarity of happiness is almost too much to bear. So, naturally, one looks for things that could go wrong. Or creates problems that are completely obsolete and non-existent. And, when one does find said problems, it fucking sucks. But it’s almost like this fucked up comfort feeling. Because you’re so used to being sad. Or disappointed. And it allows you to wallow in your self-inflicted self pity. How fucked up?! It’s something I’ve been doing for forever, and what a fucked up way to live. And I’ve come to add that complex with talking to guys. And when they just stop talking to me, it just proves me right in a way. Like, alright, well, I must not be good enough for them. I already know that it’ll take a really fucking amazing and special person to ‘put up with’ me. I hate saying that phrase, also ‘dealing with’ me, but there are really no other ways to describe it. I’m complicated and annoying and needy. I’m a lot of things that are associated with negativity. No offense to me, but why do you think Nick broke up with me? I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did. So… now I guess the trick is finding someone who can last longer? Is that how love works? I’m kind of kidding. But seriously. I’m too much for myself sometimes, not even being whole. How will someone be able to like that about me? And no, this isn’t like a ‘woe is me’ thing right now, this is a legitimate question. It’s rhetorical, so don’t feel free to answer it.


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