I Really Don’t Know.

So I woke up kind of sad because I had this dream. My ex boyfriend was dating this basic ass bitch. Literally. She had stringy dirty blonde hair, wore no makeup, and dressed like an alternative 14 year old. They were like all in love and shit, but he cheated on her with me. Very vivid. That should be a good dream, right? No. In the dream, him and I were talking in this hotel room because we were all on vacation or at some show or whatever the fuck. And I went to his room to talk to someone staying with him. But the guy staying with him was gone. So it was just me and him. And we were talking about what had happened. And then somehow we started hooking up. I remember wondering if he was going to break up with her and then get back together with me. It was very weird. So when I woke up, I missed him. Maybe I’ve just been denying it to myself. But I do miss him; not gunna lie. That’s why for everyone I talk to, I say I can’t be in a relationship. And it’s clear that I still can’t be in one.

Anyway, not because of that dream. But I’ve just been thinking. I know, what a shock. Anyway. Just talking to these guys…who are fucking assholes.
I miss Nick a lot. I am not going to deny that. But I also think that it’s nearly impossible for me to cry over him anymore. There are literally no more tears left for him. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get sad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t take night drives and listen to The Worst by Jhene Aiko.

I don’t know what it is. This guy that I stopped talking to like 2 months ago texted me like less than a week ago. I stopped talking to him because he always blew me off and obviously didn’t make the effort to hang out with me. So I told him I had been in this position too many times with my best friends and their exes, but I was fortunate enough to not have a boyfriend who did that. So I wasn’t about to fucking backtrack and shit. Plus he lived like 30 miles away. Anyway. So he texted me a few days ago and told me he moved closer to the city. And that he missed talking to me and liked me so much and all this other shit. I was flattered, I was. But…what happens when we’re supposed to hang out? Oh! He blows me off again. Alright, cool. Bye. I don’t have time. And with that other fucking guy that I decided to partake in sexual relations with – barely talked to him. Or he’s barely talked to me. It sucks. But…what can I do. Nothing. It’s just like…for what. I feel pretty low and pathetic. Plus I feel not that cute and I feel fat. So those aren’t helping. I guess I feel kind of hopeless. I had the best boyfriend ever. What makes me think I’ll find someone better? Even though I’m the one who got heartbroken. Like he was the best boyfriend. What makes me think I’ll find someone better or as good? Sorry for talking about all this annoying, irrelevant shit.

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