Feeling Dumb as Fuck

I feel like some traumatic fucking shit happened to me. I’m being over dramatic, it’s not that serious. But at the same time, it is to me. You can bet I feel dumb as fuck right now.
I just thought I’d share this with all of you guys because everyone I’ve talked to on here is supportive and so sweet. And since I write about everything else, I knew, and he knew, that I would write about this as well.
I made the conscious decision to have sex. I knew that I liked the kid, and that he liked me. He was very sweet, and made sure that I knew that I wanted to do it. I thought to myself: okay, well, you want to have sex… You’ve been talking to this kid for like two months, you like each other, you’d rather do it with him than someone else, so why not?
You guys know how I feel about sex. I look at it as something that can be special, and something that brings two people together. HOWEVER, even before we partook in any act, I said to both myself and to him that I thought the situation could go one of two ways: either Id end up liking him more, OR, Id never want to talk to him again and like cry in a corner or something.
You could imagine my shock when I felt nothing. I was neutral. I didn’t regret it at the time, but I also didn’t feel anymore connected to him like on an emotional level than I had been before… Like, it didn’t make me like him more. But also know a few days prior, he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I understood, of course. I can’t be in a relationship right now either. However, I made it very clear that I don’t do friends with benefits. I can’t. I’m not some girl you can just fuck around with whenever you want to. No. You can find another bitch for that. So, we liked each other and we would hang out and stuff, but we wouldn’t be dating. That’s why he considered it to be more so of a friends with benefits thing. But when I think of friends with benefits, I think of just a nicer term for fuck buddy. Where you guys only hang out to fuck.
Anyway. I prepared myself for him to never talk to me again after. I like to prepare myself for the worst. But like my failed relationship and this situation, preparing yourself for the worst doesn’t mean it’ll make you feel any better when it happens. I wasn’t prepared for what I felt when Nick broke up with me. And I wasn’t prepared for what I’m feeling now. I told him, probably too much, that if he plans on never talking to me again, that’s fine, but at least let me know that you’d rather not talk to me anymore. I told him if he does that, it’s fine. I’ll just write about the situation and call it a day. I had this mentality that if he did, it was a learning experience. And every girl at least once in her life comes across that guy that sleeps with her once and never talks to her again. I thought if that were to be the case, then this would just be my time to experience it. Deep down I didn’t think he was that kind of guy anyway. Like, he’s the kind of guy to be straight up. Or, I thought.
The thing is, after he left, he texted me something, and we were talking for like a tiny bit. And then I sent him a message that said something along the lines of: so I’m going to be honest, I don’t want you to think I like you that much more or anything. I don’t know if you would like to continue talking and hanging out and stuff, or if you’re like ehhh I had sex with this girl now I never wanna talk to her again. If that’s the case, it’s fine. Just let me know, because if you’d rather not then I’m gunna be like okay well it was nice meeting you and lets never talk again. Obviously Id like to still talk to you but yeah I’m just letting you know this.
Since the very beginning I’ve been straight up with him. I say how I feel too much and too bluntly. It’s a downfall. But oh well.
And he never replied to that message. And then the next day, which was yesterday, I texted him saying so is that a yes or a no…
And he didn’t reply to that either. So like I said earlier, you can bet I feel dumb as fuck right now. I didn’t take him to be that kind of guy – the kind that would just stop talking to someone without an explanation. But then there raises other questions in my head. Like what if he thinks I’m just gross and ugly and all this other shit.
And like I also said, even though I expected the worst, I hoped it wouldn’t be the case. And a lot of people are probably wondering why I even told him any of that – why I told him how I felt and gave him an option to decide whether he wanted to continue to talk to me or not. Why? That’s just how I do things. It’s dumb. It’s unconventional. Someone will appreciate it maybe.
It’s just such a pet peeve of mine. When guys talk to you and then just stop talking to you out of nowhere. I blame this kid I met when I was 17. The summer I turned 17. I liked him so much and he totally led me on and just stop talking to me and ignored me. And whenever I would try and talk to him about that and get some type of closure he ignored me again. And every guy I’ve tried talking to after Nick has either stopped talking to me, or doesn’t give a fuck to hang out with me. So it’s like why waste my time.
Not going to lie, I can be very naive. But I also like to think I have somewhat of a good intuition when it comes to people and their actions. But my guard has always been up. Ever since my heart got broken. I know that sounds dramatic. But I mean it’s what we have to do as girls. Or as people who were in love and got hurt. This kid was very honest with me. And told me straight up how he felt and what he wanted. That’s why it’s hard to believe or come to terms with that he’d just stop talking to me. I don’t know. But really guys. I know it doesn’t help right now. But preparing and expecting the worst and just basically waiting for it to happen, doesn’t make it any less painful or sad when it does happen. I took it as an experience. And now I know to not do that again. ‘One time things’ aren’t my thing. Unless it’s like a blow job. But sex is different.
All my best friends have experienced this at least one. Some more than others. Some intentionally. It just sucks. It’s like damn… It’s not like I expected him to be my boyfriend at all. But I thought we would still talk.
But yeah. So. This is what’s happening in life right now. I feel stupid as fuck. And dumb.

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6 thoughts on “Feeling Dumb as Fuck

  1. Hugs lenie, it’s his loss that he just would toss an amazing friend like you away for no effing reason. Boys are mostly πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€ anyway.
    You’re better off without having this loser in your life. Just chalk it up to experience gained and leave it at that ❀️❀️
    You Colleen are awesome and don’t you forget it 😘😘😘 xoxo

    • Awww. Thanks aunt lucy. I love you very much 😘😘
      It was my decision. And I do wish i wouldve waited. I dont know his point of view. But. Oh well. Everyone experiences this at least once. I love you.

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