Still? Really?

In the past few days, it’s been hard. I’m not sure why… There’s nothing of significance that’s happened to make me upset about it.
I’m in my room right now, writing this, listening to this depressing ass song. I know that when people are sad, they make sure to blast a happy song and dance and do all that shit. But I’d rather just allow myself time to be a depressed ass bitch. My best friend Briana asked me a few days ago when she was looking at all these posts: ‘Colleen… What if Nick ever sees any of these?’ Because she knew that I had ones written about him. And I just told her that it didn’t matter. That first of all, he wouldn’t look at them. He doesn’t even know they’re there. And I highly doubt he checks my blog. So, that solves that. But even if he did, I never spoke ill of him. I just vented to everyone about the current situation taking place in my life.
It became apparent to me last Tuesday that I wasn’t completely over him. And it sucked. Because I so desperately want to be over him. But a part of me will never be. First loves… Damn.
And I’m trying to put myself out there, but for what? To talk to these guys who don’t want anything? Besides to hook up? And even if that’s not all they want, it’s preferred. It just sucks. I honestly feel that… I’ll never be able to find what I had with him with anyone. My apologies for sounding so over dramatic. But it’s heartbreaking. I’m not 17-18 years old anymore. Sex and relationships in your 20’s is completely different. My sister in law said that that’s what happens. But she’s been through a lot of shit. So I understand why she feels that way. Obviously I don’t necessarily think I should be talking to anyone right now. It’s not wise. I want to have sex. And to do it with someone I like that I know likes me. But there’s no guarantee that that person will keep talking to me after. With Nick, I already knew he loved me as a person. And we were already together. And it’s saddening, because I often think and wish that I never would’ve fallen in love with him to begin with. Then I wouldn’t know the sadness of heartbreak. But it’s something in life that you can’t avoid. It’s inevitable. But when you give yourself to someone – all of yourself, just to end up broken in the end, it’s hard. It’s hard to not feel that way. It’s like I hate him for breaking me. But I can’t hate him or blame him for that. Things just get so much more complicated as we get older, relationships being one of them. You have those guys that tell you that they don’t want a relationship right now. So basically what you two end up doing is hanging out and hooking up. Not necessarily friends with benefits. But you get what I mean. And you can’t help but think and wonder if they’re saying that because it’s true with where they’re at in their life right now, or if they’re just saying that to you because they’re not sure if they like you that much, mixed with they’re waiting to see if something better comes along. I haven’t had the privilege of being in that situation yet in my life, but I think it’s where I’m at now. So at this point you have to wonder if it’s even worth continuing talking to the person. And it sounds completely hypocritical because I don’t want a relationship right now. I can’t be in one right now. Clearly. But I guess that’s what being a girl is: even though I don’t want a boyfriend, how come you don’t want me as your girlfriend?!
That’s my thought process in a nutshell.
I have so many thoughts right now that I want to say, but I know if I do they’ll be all over the place, so I’m just going to stop for now.

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12 thoughts on “Still? Really?

  1. While I am way above my first heart breaking, I can say with some certainty that you will love again when you are ready. Will the love you feel be just as deep or the same as this one? It might even be a deeper love and it will be different than this one. Will you ever get over this one totally? No we never do imho. Unfortunately this is part of the baggage we bring forward with us to our next relationship. We like to think we will not do things like compare, judge etc, but we do and always will. My 5th relationship ended this past June and I do not think there is enough time left in my life to get over her or it as I like you have always put my all into it and the price sensitive people like us pay if it does not work is many months and sometimes years crying as certain triggers like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays etc come around. All I can say is it almost always helped me to get through is blogging, a lot of crying, and talking about it with someone you trust or has gone through similar experiences. It will ease the pain, but not take it away. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me and may you find peace with this pain sooner than later.

    • Aww. Thank you very much – I appreciate it!
      Yeah, it sucks. I’ve had help from my best friends and family. Also, Sex and the City and Gilmore Girls helped, too. Its a process that Im still going through.

  2. No need to put pressure on yourself to be with somebody. It is also perfectly natural to desire sex – we are sexual beings after all! Hell, there are plenty of times when I wish I could just have sex with an attractive looking female but don’t because it wouldn’t be appropriate. Allow yourself time to heal, please!! If you were really involved and liked this guy it will certainly take time to move on. Then there will most likely be random times when you just miss him or the relationship seemingly out of the blue – this is totally normal and to be expected even though its kinda shitty. There is nothing wrong with being down about something like this, so allowing yourself to feel “depressed” is actually the healthiest course of action instead of a futile attempt at blocking your natural feelings. Just try to process your emotions as they rise up and then let them go freely.

    I hope you feel better this week!!

    PEACE!

    -Paul

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