Do you know how you can tell whether or not you like someone and or have a crush on them? When you’re upset when you get a text, and it’s not the one person you want it to be. And when they do text you, you get kind of excited and don’t want to reply right away because obviously you don’t want to seem desperate. I have met a lot of guys in the past 6 months. God, that makes me sound like a whore…that’s not what I meant. What I meant was in terms of going out, having fun, and meeting new people. However, I’m not the ‘hookup’ type. Well, I guess it depends on what someone means by ‘hookup’. My best friend thinks of it as fucking, whereas if I were to say, ‘oh yeah, we hooked up’, that would probably only entail making out. I know, I know. How fucking lame…blah, blah, fucking blah. I am not a prude. I am a very sexual person…when I’m in a relationship. Or when I’m into someone. Having had sex with only one person, it’s kind of… I don’t know. I’m 21, I should be fucking random guys, right? Maybe some girls can, but that’s not me. And even though sometimes I’d love to be able to do that, I’d be so fucking annoying as a one night stand. Like, let’s be honest here: the guy would probably be trying to take my pants off and I just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about everything I think and whatever, and by then he’d be like alright fuck this, not literally. I am incapable have having meaningless, emotionless sex. To some people, that’s the best kind of sex. And, hey, if you can do that, good for you! Do me a favor if you’re like that, have a bunch of sex for me, kay? Thanks! And no, that’s not sarcasm. Continuing on, I feel like some guys I’ve told that to make it their personal mission to get me to fuck them, while others are more sweet about it. But that’s with anyone in any situation – you’re always going to get different responses. It’s not like the second person you have sex with has to be the love of your life, I completely get that. And one of my best friends told me it’s not like the second time is going to be anything special. It’s not like I’m losing my virginity. So why am I treating it like it is? Personally, I feel like whomever I sleep with next, I’ll end up liking them that much more, which raises a shit ton of other questions that go on in my pretty little fucked up head. What if I end up liking them more than they like me? What if they never want to talk to me again after? I mean, yeah it’s a life lesson, but your dick was in my fucking vagina…a place where only one other dick was. A place that not many people have been. I’m fucking treating that shit like it’s fucking secret hidden fortress or some shit. Like what makes my vagina that special? There is someone that I like. And of course I’d love to have sex with him. And whether something happens sexually or relationship wise, no time will ever be the ‘perfect time’ to do it. Then again, I remember losing my virginity. I wanted to wait until I was 18 and we were both graduated, and I also wanted to make sure that we met each other’s parents. Not for any particular reason, but just my own things that I wanted to have happen. So, less than a month after we graduated and I turned 18, we had sex, but even though I already knew that this was the guy I wanted to lose my virginity to and have us lose it together, I was still hesitant. Not sure why. I mean, no time is the perfect time. No time is the ‘right’ time. Just whatever feels comfortable for you. Maybe it’s easier having a dick and contemplating this. Being a girl sucks sometimes. I just have no idea how I’ll feel after. I know some of you are probably like bitch shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up and have sex already. In some ways it’s really not that big of a deal. And in other ways, it is. Okay I’m literally annoying the fuck out of myself. This is different. I’m not saying I have to meet someone’s parents before we have sex or be in a relationship with them. That’s kind of a lot of work…and let’s be honest, that doesn’t really happen anyway. And it’s like I literally have nothing to lose…I already lost my virginity. What else is there? My dignity? My pride? My morality? My sense of self? What the fuck? I think way too fucking much.