Going On a Rant

Sorry that I’m not going to be fucking sorry for this rant, but I feel like wine + listening to ‘Booylicious’ makes for a post like this. So I know I’ll probably hate myself again in a few hours, but while I feel somewhat confident, I figured I might as well write about it because it doesn’t happen often. I just want to start out by saying that I am one of those girls who thinks every girl is pretty in her own way. Skinny girls are pretty. Curvy girls are pretty. Plus sized girls are pretty. Everyone is fucking pretty, kay? Kay. I am not considered to be skinny. Some people consider me that, some people consider me curvy, or thick, and others consider me to be fat. But that’s with anyone. Not everyone is going to like your body or think you’re cute or pretty or sexy. I used to envy the cliché ideal of what beautiful in America is: a skinny, blonde, bitch. But I desperately hate, hate, hate, certain clichés. And that’s one of them. I’ve talked to a lot of different guys and have always asked their opinion on what they consider to be fat or skinny. And as I get older I realize that some guys are actually matured and don’t think girls between a size 0-4 are the only forms of what it means to be beautiful. Like, I really respect guys like that. Obviously I wish I was a size 0. But everyone is different and has their own preference. But I’ll probably never be a size 0. Some guys think that’s fucking disgusting, and others think a size 7-9 is ‘fat’. HA. Okay, bitch.
Not everyone understand why I don’t seem to really like myself. It’s deeper than just my appearance, and it goes back to a long time ago. Not everyone understands why I think I am ‘fat’. And it’s not that I think I’m ‘fat’, but for whatever reason, I have it in my fucked up little head that ‘bones are beautiful’. And the thing that kills me is that if I see a girl who is a size 14 or above or whatever the fuck, I still think she’s fucking gorgeous. No matter what she weighs. But I can’t think that about myself? For real? Okay Colleen, get it together. What happens when I find a guy I really, really like and I am ready to have sex with him? Even before that? I’m worried about him seeing my naked…for what? Like if he was that repulsed then why would I want to be with him anyway, you know? It’s just so dumb and I get these rare occasions like tonight where I come to my senses and realize that I’m pretty and not ‘fat’ and that I’m lucky to have a decent ass and nice boobs. And I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my thighs this past summer – all from guys. Of course I said thank you and whatever but I thought to myself ‘oh my god… does that mean they’re fat? I want them to be like non-existent ‘. But obviously and apparently that’s not what every guy wants. Anyway, I just want every girl who has any kind of body image issue to know that you’re gorgeous. And whoever doesn’t think so is obviously Helen Keller. And by that I mean blind, in case no one got that. Even though she was deaf, too… Okay whatever. Again, anyway… I’ve also realized that if a guy really doesn’t like you or your body after seeing you naked, then he’s fucking dumb, and he most likely missed out on a great blow job and or great sex. Like, you don’t need that shit. Fuck, there’s the door, motherfucker, BYE. I’ll fucking hold it open for you *insert that emoji of the white bitch doing the hand gesture where she’s like I’m fabulous and I fucking know it*. My best friend Shannon is in love with herself. Especially her ass. She does have a fat ass, and she prides herself on that. She has every reason to. Spending more and more time with her and seeing how much she loves herself makes me think that maybe bones aren’t always ‘beautiful’.
My best friend Briana is a dancer and she’s fit as fuck and I think her body is perfect. But she gets self-conscious sometimes and she wishes she had my body. Just goes to show you everyone can feel insecure no matter what body type. And let me just say, it is fucking exhausting not liking yourself. EXHAUSTING. I think I should just start to walk around my house naked whenever no one is home to love myself. I’ll never be one of those girls who orders salad and a ‘skinny’ martini. I’m that bitch who orders pizza and beer. So, I’ll just find someone who loves that about me. But first, I need to love that about me. And I can somewhat appreciate it, so that’s a start. I appreciate that I’m not like most girls.
Anyway, the topic of loving yourself and body image is just so broad and I could probably talk about it for hours. So, let me stop here before I get drunk and write a whole bunch of random shit, if I haven’t already. Okay, I’m done. And don’t forget: you’re fucking hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, and everything else in between. Also, listen to Flawless by Beyoncé. Love her.

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