My Thoughts On Guys & Bodies

So it’s not even two minutes past 6:00pm yet on a Friday evening, and I’m drinking wine. It’s not classy wine either; it’s the wine that my best friends make fun of me for drinking because it’s so fucking trashy. Yes, I am talking about Arbor Mist. But I blame one of my old co-workers and friend, Mikailha, because she used to drink that shit. Now it’s pretty much the only wine I enjoy drinking. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’ll drink whatever to get drunk.
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, more than usual. Which means a lot of overthinking lately, a lot more than usual. For the record, before I go into all that redundant bull shit, I am grateful for where I am at with my life right now. Snorting coke off random guys in seedy bars is so much fucking fun, like, you guys should all try it. Kidding. I can’t afford coke, let’s be serious. But I feel like in the past 5 or 6 months since all that shit went down, me and my oldest and dearest bestest friend, Briana have gotten somewhat closer. She and I don’t talk everyday usually. We have been lately. And I realized how much I miss her. And I’m grateful that I’ve become that much closer to my lovely sister-in-law, Dinorah. She’s amazing and I love her so much. I consider her to be my sister. I can go to her with anything. I can do that with all my friends. But I am very lucky that she and I are so close.
Okay, I am getting off topic. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about guys and dating and appearance. I have a very annoying, prevalent self-confidence issue. So fucking annoying. What guy wants to deal with that shit? That was part of my relationship’s demise. It’s not funny, but I guess I can learn to laugh about it now. I’ve also apparently forgotten that I am no longer 17, and hanging out with guys or dating guys is a lot different than it was 4 years ago. Nick and I were each other’s first real relationship. And let me get really fucking cynical right now, but first loves don’t always work out; let’s be honest. So now, being 21 and talking to people, obviously they’ve been in other relationships and had other first loves. So it’s just different – something that I’m not used to but should probably grow accustomed to. Nick loved me and my body very much – he thought I was perfect. Of course I thought he was deluded, but it was also really fucking sweet and genuine and sincere. But not a lot of guys are like that. And I think that’s one of my fears. Finding someone who thinks I’m like perfect…or close to it – isn’t that what everyone wants? Someone who is perfectly imperfect? I mean, fucking shit, I still wasn’t totally comfortable in front of him after three years. Like what the fuck? I need to get the fuck over that shit real quick. My best friend, Shannon, told me: “Colleen, if you’re naked in front of a guy, you really think he’s going to sit there and examine every fucking flaw that you have? No. He’s gunna be like, ‘oh, ass and titties.'” Which, she’s right. Every girl has something that she doesn’t like about her body or that she wish she could change. And I had an epiphany in the past 12 hours: if a guy doesn’t find me to be beautiful, and just sees me as a way of ‘passing time’, like, fuck that. Bye Felicia. I don’t need you. I refuse to be that for someone. Um. No. No girl deserves that. And if that guy doesn’t find you beautiful enough to want to be with you, or if he doesn’t think your body is beautiful or whatever the fucking case may be, don’t waste your time. There’s another guy who will think you’re perfect. Another guy whose friends will be like ‘damn dude; she’s really pretty.’ If you’re talking to a guy who doesn’t call you beautiful or whatever, or if he tells you or you find out his friends think you’re a ‘downgrade’ and he listens to them, UM PEACE OUT, MOTHERFUCKER. BYE. You don’t fucking need that douchebag asshole. For what? Like really…for what? There’s no fucking point. Ugh that shit pisses me off. Like, alright dude, go fuck yourself and your friends. And honestly, it doesn’t matter what his friends think. As long as he thinks you’re fucking awesome, then that’s great. These are all just thoughts that I personally have not experienced, not yet, anyway, but scenarios my friends have been in, or just hearing stories in general. It just ties into the whole -you’re not 17 anymore and the next guy you date will definitely have had previous relationships so obviously you’ll be subconsciously compared-. That doesn’t always happen – maybe it just happens in my fucked up mind. Obviously every guy is different and they all have different preferences and different opinions on what ‘beautiful’ is. Which, I think is a very great thing. Which is also why every time I’ve started talking to a guy, I ask him if he’s one of those who only like super, super skinny blonde bitches. Because obviously, I am not that. My hair is red, not blonde. And I have an ass, and boobs. Anyway, these are all just my thoughts. If anyone is going through a situation where you’ve been broken up with someone, and it’s both weird and exciting to see new people, let me know. It is definitely a learning experience.

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