This Summer

This summer has been a whirlwind of mixed emotions and feelings. There was content-ness, okay-ness, sadness, depression, heartbreak – oh, and was that the worst one. And occasionally from time to time for a little while there was happiness. I am aware that summer is not over quite yet but I go back to school in 25 days. In a way I’m excited to start school again – it’s a good time consumer to make me think about other things besides what goes on in the insane asylum that is my mind. I also get to see my friend Maria who I haven’t seen in like three months. For whatever the reason, this week doesn’t seem to be my week. I’ve felt really sad about the breakup more so than I have been in previous weeks. Of course it’s still a part of this process – this very fucking annoying hard process. This very fucking annoying hard long process. Just going over and over in my head what went down and the events leading up to it but like I’ve so greatly come to realize, it just drives you insane. I wasn’t expecting to spend my summer like this. I was expecting for us to spend it together because it was our first summer being 21 together. But, such is life and things change. I love him of course, and I probably always will. I don’t know what having a second love is like – how your first love would affect it. He will always be my first love and I his. How do you know when you’re over it? Well, are you really ever over it? It’s something you deal with and eventually come to terms with. But I don’t know if anyone ever really gets over someone they loved so deeply. However, when you can hear a song, or see a picture, or visit a place, and smile instead of cry, I think that’s a good sign. When you can become grateful instead of bitter, and okay instead of not. Unfortunately, I am not all the way there yet. He was the only one who knew me better than I know myself, and I knew him better than he knows himself. He was always supportive of me, and I was always supportive of him. I don’t think that’ll ever change. I want what’s best for him career wise, love wise, life wise. Whatever it may be. Even if that means that it’s not with me. This whole thing isn’t just something you can get over. It takes a lot of time. Which is what I wasn’t expecting this summer. But I’ve also done a lot of unexpected things this summer. Some were hard, some were exciting, some were fun, and some were just…no. But all that molds you into the person you become. All those experiences – good or bad.

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