What Has Happened.

The people who know me best know that I write to express my feelings, or talk a lot about my feelings in order to feel better. Not just to feel better, necessarily, but it’s just who I am. I’m not very good at boundaries when it comes to myself. I’m very blunt. So, here it goes. I recently celebrated my 21st birthday with my parents and best friends in Vegas. It was amazing; I just wish we had more days to spend there. Anyway, the past two months have been really fucking shitty because the relationship that I was in of three years has ended. He was the love of my life – my first love, my first everything. I wish I could despise him and throw darts at his picture in a darkened scummy bar where people cheer while some empowering song is playing loudly. But unfortunately, that’s not the case. I could never hate him nor despise him. I would never wish anything bad on him. I’m eternally grateful for getting the experience of being in love with him. I couldn’t of asked for a better first real-relationship boyfriend. We were each other’s first everything. I’ll always have love for him. There will always be a special place in my heart for him. For giving me something that no one had ever given me before. For loving me when I couldn’t always love myself. For encouraging me and being nothing my supportive with my career goals and aspirations. And I hope he knows that I believed in him so much, and I still do. I still believe he is destined for amazing things. He’s very driven, and that’s something I’ve always admired about him. He’s not like most 21 year old guys. But for reasons not very common, we aren’t together anymore. I wish nothing but the best for him. We both agreed that we would like to be friends. I mean, that’s how it starts, doesn’t it? We were like best friends three and a half years ago. And regardless of the situation, we’re able to still joke around with each other, which is good. He will always be the first boy I ever truly loved. And I guess I’d be that girl for him, or at least I’d hope so.
I’m not ashamed to say that I cried a lot . . . more than I ever had before. I’m familiar with sadness, with depression. But heartbreak is a total different kind of pain and sadness than depression. It’s hard to explain, and obviously would be better explained if it were felt. But the best way I can describe it is: Depression is an empty void of sadness. It’s just you. It takes your whole personality and sense of self. It can make you numb to the world and everyone in it. But heartbreak . . . it’s not a whole kind of sadness. It’s a million tiny pieces of sadness throughout your entire body that don’t go away. You’re not numb, although you wish you were. And it’s odd actually having a reason to be sad. So it’s a different kind of sadness than I’ve ever had the displeasure of experiencing. The first few weeks when we were on a break, I cried a lot. A lot, a lot. And I didn’t eat. I guess that’s the good thing from all of this – I lost a tiny bit of weight. Ha-Ha. Anyway, it was awful. But then when the breakup actually happened, I cried for a day or two, but it didn’t really sink in until a week later: He wasn’t mine anymore, and I wasn’t his. All together, it’s been almost two months since we’ve really talked and seen each other, as a couple at least.
I know I’m breaking at least seven rules of girl code right now. And anyone with a sense of rationality would be horrified at the fact that I’m saying these things, at the risk of sounding pathetic, and there’s a chance he could read it. Very true. However, I am me. He knows this. It’s who he fell in love with. I’ll always talk about things I shouldn’t and give more details than necessary and add in the gross details just for fun. That part of me will never change. And if I do recall, it is one of the things he loved about me.
I haven’t written a lot on this blog in the past few months. So here we are.
I know it’s such a sad, pathetic cliché, almost as bad as a dozen red roses, ugh, I can’t fucking stand red roses. Anyway, I wish nothing but the best for him. I love him and want him to follow his dreams. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him – and to be happy. As I said before, we still want to be friends. It won’t be anytime soon, but we do. He was an important, huge part of my life. And I would never want to just erase him from it. I’m not sure what the stages of grief are, but I know I haven’t surpassed them all yet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still fucking hard and hurts like a motherfucker. But sometimes we need to face our biggest fear in order to grow and learn. Maybe we’ll be together some time in the future again. But right now, as much as it pains me, I think this is what’s best for the both of us. I said that I felt that in my heart we should still be together. But trying to keep busy and having more time pass by, I guess it has just become normal to not have him be apart of my every day life now. I miss him, I do. And he’s always in my heart. But he deserves everything – and more. And whether that happens to be with me or someone else, as long as he’s happy, I’ll be happy for him. As much as it hurts right now. Sometimes I think it’d be a lot easier if he were a complete asshole and cheated on me or told me he fell out of love with me, thinking it’d be easier. But would it really make it that much easier? Probably not so much. It’s time for me to grow up and find out what I want and what will make me happy. And, if you ever happen to read this, which you know who you are, I hope you’re well. Until we’re able to be friends, I hope nothing but the best for you.
When people tell you, “time heals all wounds” and spit that bullshit at you, in the moment you think it’s all a crock of shit. But it is true. Those little cliché sayings, there’s a reason why they’re cliché and overused. It’s because they’re true. So, if anyone reading this is going through a breakup as well, it’d be great to hear your thoughts and feelings. I’ve come to realize that Family & Friends along with a favorite pet of your choice helps. Also shopping, and watching Sex and the City and Gilmore Girls helps, too. Corny, I know. Boy, do I know. I don’t really eat when I’m upset. So I guess I got lucky with that. But maybe ice cream and pizza couldn’t hurt the healing process. This whole thing happened at such a shitty time. During our anniversary, and right before my 21st birthday and summer. But, what can you do. Give yourself time to grieve and dwell, but not for too long, and don’t dwell so deep that you find yourself in the fetal position with your eyes swollen shut from crying so badly. It does get a tiny bit easier every day. And you know how people say, “Take it one day at a time”? yeah, I’ve been taking it like an hour at a time, or a minute at a time. And for whatever reason, guys always seem to handle breakups easier than girls. But, that’s life. I still have to tell myself, along with my friends and family, that it’ll be okay. There are still days where I’ll cry. It’s not something you get over necessarily, but you just come to deal with it. It makes you a stronger person to know that you can get through it. And that’s empowering in a way. So, if anyone is going through heartbreak, you’re not alone. And you can always buy the complete series of Sex and the City off Amazon.


2 thoughts on “What Has Happened.

  1. I feel your pain. I’m 2 1/2 months out of my last relationship and it’s still a struggle. Like you, it wasn’t an awful breakup- we just wanted different things. I also feel like I’ve struggled way more than he has, which is so unfair and infuriating. I’ve alternated between keeping busy with family and friends/devoting more time to pass times I love like reading & writing… and wallowing in my pain, allowing myself plenty of time alone to cry and rehash until I can’t take it anymore. I also understand that “time heals all wounds” is true… Just wish time would hurry and get me to a more bearable place. Reading other people’s experiences and motivational stories also helps. I find comfort in numbers! Hang in there. Keep learning more about yourself and loving yourself. Life has better things in store for us.

    • I’m sorry that happened to you:/ was it your first love?
      It really sucks. Some times of the day I’ll be okay… And other times it’s hard. I know that if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. But. The hardest part is the time thing – the hardest part is waiting. And not being able to do anything about it.

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