The Vagina Chronicles: Another One Bites the Cunt

Lauren’s Vagina:
Lauren and I have been in a slump for the past three years. Okay, it’s only been like three weeks, but it feels like years. Lauren’s an okay looking girl. But, with a vagina like me, she should be ecstatic! I mean, I’m fucking flawless. Not to toot my own queef, but let’s just say, I make myself wet. Anyway, I try not to come off as a conceited cunt, but I can’t help it that I’m so beautiful. God and the middle eastern ladies at the waxing spa made me that way.
There’s something to be said about a vagina that gets a Brazilian: that it’s fucking beautiful, duh! So, since I have such high self esteem, you can imagine my worry about Lauren sleeping with ugly dicks. I mean, they’re all ugly, but they can be pretty if they really wanted to. One time, Lauren met this really hot guy in high school, and she cheated on her boyfriend with him. Her boyfriend was totally ugly and lame, but she dated him just so she could pass calculus and stay on the cheer team. I know, I know. We’re so generous to let that guy date us, right?! So this super hot guy was named Jake. Jake had a beautiful penis. Unfortunately, jake also had gonorreah.
That’s a moment in my life that I’m not very proud of.
Anyway, Lauren decided to go to this bar with her recently single “DUFF”. You know, ‘Designated Ugly Fat Friend’. After a few blow jobs, the drink and the oral sexual relations, Lauren spotted this hot Australian guy. I don’t remember his name, but we just called him Aussie. Aussie was beautiful, and so was his accent. We took the proper amount of time to get to know him before we just jumped right on him. We’re classy. So after slurring her words from those blow jobs and two tequila shots for ten minutes, Lauren took Aussie back to our apartment.
When we got there, he pulled his pants down right away and it was like Christmas. His dick was everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a dick. And for a brief moment, I think I found my soulmate. He threw Lauren on the bed and quickly took off her slut skirt and whore thong. And he went right to it. He was such a gentlemen, too, I mean she didn’t even have to suck his dick first, he just went for it!
His tongue was making all the right moves which made me super wet. And then something awful happened. HE BIT MY FUCKING CLIT!!!!
I don’t know how they do it in Australia, but in America, if you’re hungry, eat a fucking sandwich! Don’t you know that a girl’s clit is the most sensitive thing on her body?! Fucking idiot. Just like Liam for dating Miley. What the fuck is wrong with Australian guys. UGH!
I gotta go ice myself now.
Fuck you very much,
Lauren’s vagina.

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