This morning I woke up with a throbbing labia. What the fuck happened last night? I remember it was mine and Skyler’s 21st birthday (and yes, vaginas have birthdays too. How come no one ever acknowledges that? I am a part of Skyler, so….technically it’s my birthday too). Anyway, all I know is….was that last night was fucking crazy. She started off slow at first, you know, a couple shots of vodka, some blow jobs (the drink. Actually, I think she did blow some guys, too). But then came the tequila. We’ve never had good experiences with tequila so I don’t know why the dumb bitch thought it’d be a great idea to down a tequila shot every time someone said ‘happy birthday!’ But no one ever listens to me.
After her 2nd shot, she
Was dancing on one of the tables, kicking the shot glasses off with her feet. By her 4th shot, she was flashing every seemingly gay guy she saw and said, ‘I’m a pornstar! Come fuck me and let me make you straight!’ By her 7th shot, she was puking in the guys’ bathroom. Luckily, some cute guy was holding her hair back. He had real potential. And he was super sweet. And after a couple Altoids, he kissed her. Then he took us in his car and started to kiss me.
Moral of the story….
Don’t drink tequila, because you will wake up feeling pregnant.
Now we have to spend $50 on Plan B. Sorry if anyone gets offended because we’re taking Plan B, but frankly, I don’t give a shit. I’m not pushing a 7lb baby out of me for at least 5 years. I’m too cute to be stretched out.
Wish us luck!