The Vagina Chronicles: The Desert

Tess’s Vagina:

Ever since Tess and her boyfriend broke up, she’s really let herself go. I understand she needs time to heal and all, but they broke up over a year ago. I have needs, too! They were only together for 9 months. She caught him eating some Russian girl out, so she started eating out…. At McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, etc. Jesus, if you’re  going to get fast food, at least get subway. She gained over 50 pounds. I know, it’s tragic, right? It makes me want to cry, too. But my point isn’t that Tess needs Jenny, my point is that I need a dick. Or a vibrator. Shit, I’d even settle for a finger. I’m dryer than the Sahara Desert. I know that’s disgusting to say, but sorry not sorry. The only action I’ve gotten, is from Tess reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. And, let’s be honest, she’s never going to find a Christian Grey looking the way she does now. She could maybe get a Boo Radley, but that’s even pushing it.
When Tess was with Mark (her ex) it was like a 24 hour water park. Who needed a slip n slide? Not his dick.
Now I’m all alone with no one to hold or cherish me. Not to mention, I look like I’m getting fat now.
That can happen….fat vaginas. Ugh. I need to go kill myself now.

Tess’s very dry hole.


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