Callie and I suffer from CBD: Chronic Bitch Disorder. We don’t just look like two white bitches, we are two white bitches. I try hard, I really do, to not be such a bitch when we meet a potential prospect. It’s just so hard being me. If you knew the kind of tragedies that Callie and I have to deal with on the regular, then you’d understand. Who are these guys and why are they so, so…I can’t even think of a word to describe them. That’s how unworthy they are…they don’t deserve my impeccable vocabulary.
Getting back to my point, there was this one guy named Jack. He was super hot and seemed super normal on the first couple dates. Callie finally decided that on our 4th date, we’d sleep with him. After all, he paid for everything so I guess he deserved it, right?
Jack was really good at foreplay. He probably has the best fingers a vagina could ever ask for. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I met his tongue.
Screw Callie, I wanted to run off with this guy and never come back. Every time Callie and I, you know, finished, she would scream ‘OH GOD!’ Every time. She was so loud that I’m sure the people in the apartment above us could either assume she was getting some good action, or that there was some kind of weird Bible study. Hm. Either or I guess would suffice.
Jack made us cum seven times….and he hadn’t even used his penis yet! I really thought that he could be the one. The one to bring me happiness with his tongue in sickness and in health. Okay, that’s kinda gross because I wouldn’t want him eating me while he’s sick…
Whatever. Anyway. Callie was going to return the favor and give him head, too. But he didn’t want that, he wanted to go right into sex.
Okay, cool, whatever. But then he started humming this very familiar tune. I couldn’t quite put my labia on it. Callie looked at him weird as his humming got louder.
Oh my God! I know where that’s from now!
He was singing the Disney Movie Mulan song that goes, let’s get down to business and destroy the something something…or whatever the fuck it was.
He was singing it while undressing right before he was going to enter me…. Uh, yeah fucking right! Then he said the worst thing a guy could say:
Sorry, I know it’s a little weird….but Disney movies just really make me fucking horny.
That was the end of Jack.
He had a great tongue and magical fingers. Sometimes I wonder what his penis would’ve been like. Then I remember what he said….that will forever haunt me.
I’d rather be a bitch than someone who fucks guys who get turned on by kids’ movies.