The Vagina Chronicles: The Virgin

Lilly’s Vagina:

Lilly and I have had a kind of slow month…okay, a really slow three months. The worst part of it? I’m not exaggerating. I mean, a vibrator can only get you off for so long. It’s tragic, really. Lifetime should make a movie out of this sick situation. I was SO excited last week because we went out on a date with this super hot guy named Dave. Lilly’s friend set it up I guess. I know, plain, boring name, but you should’ve seen his bulge! Everything was going great. He was sweet, funny, kind, and being the whorebags that we are, we pretty much knew we were going to ride his Bologna pony. He took us to a pathetic rom com movie and then out to dinner. It was a fancy place, so he was scoring some major points. Then… It happened. The weird, awkward, -let’s talk about our lives and past and exes and who we’ve screwed- conversation.
Lilly didn’t want to seem like a slut so I think she said she’d only been with four guys. She’s 26…yeah right. But he believed it.
Now, getting to the worst part. Lilly said joking around, ‘So how many people have you had sex with?’
He gave her this weird look and said,
‘I’m guessing Abby didn’t tell you?’
‘Tell me what?’
‘Lilly…I’m a virgin’
DUNDUNDUN!!!!!!!!!!!
Is he for real? Is this guy serious? A virgin? Really? He should save his dating life for Christian mingle dot com or something because this whole ‘my body belongs to the lord’ thing is not working.
He said he was saving himself for marriage.
As if it wasn’t horrific enough, at the end of the night he said there was no point in seeing eachother because he couldn’t marry someone who wasn’t a virgin. Please, like we’d even want to see him again.
Either she needs to show some cleavage, or we need a better vibrator.

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