Fucking Done.

I’m like a guy away from becoming a certified muff diver. Kidding… As I’ve said before, I could never eat a vagina. I like penis in my mouth way too much.
I should probably just stop talking to guys for a while. Unless you’re family or a close friend. What’s the point? I don’t need any guy friends. I already have amazing ones. I don’t need any more.
To be honest, I hate feeling so angry and bitter. And I really don’t mean to be.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just put everyone on here out of their misery and not write posts anymore. Because it seems like all I’m doing is complaining and bitching about my life and my problems.
My best friend//sister told me I shouldn’t tell everyone my insecurities – as in literally write my insecurities out and post them for the world to see. She hates seeing that I hate myself and that I’m so mean to myself. It’s frustrating because if it was someone else talking shit, she’d be able to ‘cut them’ (her words). But she cant necessarily do that to me – she can’t protect me from myself. And it kills her. Not a lot of people understand the reasoning or don’t understand why I feel the need to say everything and anything on here.
No one really understands – I know, how Avril circa 2006 of me. But one of the biggest reasons why I want to write and do it in such a way that is so painfully and brutally honest is because I know other people think the same shit. But not everyone can say it. Or knows how. Or think that they’re stupid. But if I can help them not feel that way, then that’s amazing.

Anyway. About this whole guy thing.
What happens with me and guys?
Well… Let’s see. Where do I start. I’ve heard the same shit over the past 5 months – just all different variations of it. You know, the whole: how are you single? You’re amazing! You’re so pretty! You love giving head? Omg marry me! Why did your ex break up with you?! You’re perfect! I want you to be mine!
The list goes on…
Not even trying to be cocky. It’s not like I’m necessarily proud of it since it’s all pretty much bullshit. Or was. With most of these guys.
I’m so naive and very open and trusting. However, I’ve learned to keep my guard up. I have to. What, am I gunna like you for you to never talk to me again….. Again? Did that shit at least 3 times. It’s annoying because I do sometimes think I can be a good catch. I have the whole -I love giving head and I swallow- thing going for me. That should count for something, right? Or loving to bake? Anything? lol.
It probably seems like I’m actively looking for a boyfriend. I’m not. Maybe I just need to be completely by myself. I feel like with guys who I like and they ‘play games’ or still like their ex girlfriends or whatever the case, im just like alright. I don’t have time for you. Fuck off. I’ve been through worse, I’ll get through this. Bye Felicia.
Everything just goes back to Nick and that’s by far the most exhausting thing. I blame him. Because if what happened wouldn’t of happened, I wouldn’t be in this situation. How does that work for someone to not give a fuck at all? After that long? I know other people have experienced worse, though. Shout out to you guys. You guys fucking rock. Shout out to people who’ve been heartbroken and have gotten through it. And moved on. Good for you.
As for me…. I’m not sure.
What does it feel like to not have someone miss you? Or be missed? Like some guys that I’ve talked to, you can just tell they miss their ex. Whether they ended it or their ex did. It’s nice, sweet I guess. Meanwhile, I’m over here like…. Giving advice and shit to them to help them. Kinda feel like… If a guy starts talking to me, and thinks I’m cool or whatever, that’s fine. But then after a while he gets bored or finds someone better, more interesting, more intriguing – prettier. Or everything I’m not. It’s just annoying to feel not wanted. That’s sad though. Because I don’t want to have to need someone to want me. I should be fine. But I guess that’s human nature sometimes. I don’t know. My inclination with people in general – even if it kills me, I’d rather them be so much happier in their life than me. If it’s a guy I like, and he’s into someone else and asks my advice on how to get her, of course I’m gunna help him. Chances are I wouldn’t blame him because the bitch is probably gorgeous.
I’ll just end this by saying this:
Anyone can say anything and make it sound beautiful, but actions do speak louder than words. HOWEVER, actions mean nothing if you’re bad at communicating what they mean.